10 Pint Movies: SHARK

Bait (2012)

3D was not invented for this film to abuse

Plot: Jaws was a brilliant film but Spielberg missed one trick, set it in a supermarket, how much better would that be. Now we need dream no longer because of Bait the Gold Coast masterpiece dragging sharks where they belong, into the shops.

Lets not jump ahead of ourselves though the plot is set way back when Josh (Cheesy fucktard who may or may not have been in none one or all of the Twilight films) , shit faced from his bachelor party he couldn't do his job as a Lifeguard properly and save, best man, Rory from getting fucked up by a Great White, stay with me here, Tina, Josh's girlfriend is also Rory'd sister and due to the guilt hes driven her away (To Singapore) and ended up staking shelves in a supermarket. After a few years Tina returns and decides to buy some shit from his shop, coincidentally at the same time as a botched robbery by Victor Von Doom from Nip/Tuck and a surprise Tsunami takes place, bad luck does come in 3's.

Sharks are bad. Yes

Poor Josh, he should have moved further inland, or to Grimsby because if he won't go to the sharks they will come to him. Scraping up the survivors of the Tsunami, getting themselves together to escape the slowly flooding shop they're thinking the worst is over when up pops a 12 foot Great White, and its pissed off I think it usually shops at waitrose not this dump.
So its up to Josh to kill the fish sort out the psycho gunman save his ex-girlfriend, sneakily off the Asian dude she's with but without making it look dodgy and swim them all to safety. EASY.
.

Blatant excuse to show a wet chick

Is it good: Yes. Not brilliant but good fun (granted some of it unintentional). Stick with it as the first 5 minutes in the sea has the worst special effects of the film I nearly switched it off but it gets better. Bonus, it has the very sexy Phoebe Tonkin as Jamie who looks great in anything especially a lot of water. The acting is basic but it is better than Neighbours and Tina (Sharni Vinson) has a very strange accent Austerican who knows. The Tsunami effects are hit and miss in a very short space of time, a flying propeller in the face (the good) a bloke running down to the underground carpark just dives head first into the floor beating the CGI wave (the bad) but all that shit combines to make a great little action movie. The deep sea trolly/basket Iron man outfit was a fantastic invention. Plus its always good to have a psychopath in the mix as well even it hes probably the worst actor.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back shopping

Turdige: For such a ridiculous premise it would have been better taking the Tremors/Piranha 3D approach and used more humor, as it couldn't be as suspenseful or action packed as say Deep Blue Sea (1999) as it didn't have the budget. It should have made more of what it did have. Unlike most films you do wish there was less of a story as its almost impossible to give a fuck about Josh and his ex-girlfriend and her pretty detached relationship with the Asian dude oh your dead fuck it. Or Jaimie and her messed up relationship with her cop father, or why Dr Doom got talked into doing this movie in OZ let alone why hes talked into a robbery by the dildo he robs the store with.

I wanna be ur friend

Overall: As shark films go this is much better than those two gimps bobbing around in Open Water (2003). Although the premise may be only one step away from Sharktopus (2010) its all the better for it, Low expectations are definitely required. I expected the CGI to be like a turd in a bathtub (Especially after the first 5 mins) but it was way better. If the movie had have taken itself a bit less seriously it could have been a contender.