10 Pint Movies: GENERAL HILLBILLY BASTARDS

Storm Warning (2007)

I thought it was called Storm something

Plot: On a weekend boat/fishing trip in Australia, Rob (Robert Taylor) who looks like a bad waxwork of Will Ferrell and Pia (Nadia Farès) who really should cover her nips in the presence of psychopaths, become lost in the mangrove rivers. A storm sets in and they have to look for somewhere to take shelter and fuck do they choose the wrong place. What looks like a farmhouse is a shithole crack den looking hovel with a well used blow up sexdoll in it (would have taken 0.25 seconds at this point to think fuck this leg it but no they continue to look around) there's also a weed farm outback & unfortunately up pop Brett and Jimmy before they can leave. A pair a backward fucktards who spend their time watching animal porn and boffing the doll.

Have a fuckin mint

Not happy at the pair of Yuppie gits walking into their home uninvited (who would be?) , although at first they seem willing to help (saying they're on an island, no phone, no hotel, no nothing but the couple can stay the night). The niceness lasts about errr 5 minutes before the atmosphere goes from a gentle ribbing (laughing at Rob and his choice of car calling him Volvo), to "shit" hes fucked and shes definitely going to get fucked.

The situation quickly escalates, getting more and more uncomfortable and after being shown to the barn for the night Rob thinks fuck this shit were out of here. They don't get far before they trip over a dead body and get cornered by Brett and his human flesh eating rottweiler.

The smell of rape is in the air but wait a reprieve the lads Pop arrives not happy with the kids, yay its all going to be alright. Nah poppys a mental fuck too and just wants her for himself and hes no barn fucker so its back to square one. Will Rob man up and save his lady or cut is loses let them get on with it in a 4 way and just get fucked up on some free weed.

Is it good: Yes. The film was a shock never having heard of it I was not expecting much especially such a violent, brutal and shocking film especially when the cover brags about it being from the director of Urban Legend & Valentine (Jamie Blanks) two good but very stylised teen slashers. This film seems a world away from those the situation the couple end up in seems genuinely tense and frighting, I was expecting Wrong Turn (2003) but it was more like Ils - Them (2006) or Eden Lake (2008).

In this kind of film you expect a fight for survival but I did not see the lady going rogue in such a way like a sick twisted MacGyver, the blood lusting hot french chick setting traps & the vagina trap hit the bar for gross ideas. The change in style from the creepy & suspenseful to nuts out brutal violence was brilliant. Also the acting once on the farm is excellent the 3 nutters play their parts very well especially Jimmy (David Lyons) who plays the scruffy, fucked up, redneck a little too convincingly (perhaps he escaped that lifestyle to become an actor).

Poppy that's such a cute name can't wait to mee....shit

Turdige: Worryingly the acting at the start seemed very off (TV movie like). almost like they couldn't afford outside sound equipment so it had been over-dubbed in a studio but I think it was a mix of this and the fact that Rob has a very strange unreal voice (weird). There are also some bad lines of dialogue, I apologise if its an old French proverb but what the fuck is "to catch a mad dog you must think like a mad dog, only madder". (Its bollocks thats what it is)

Overall: Like most great films it started because of very low expectations, imagine the exact opposite of turning up to see the Phantom Menace for the first time. One of the best backwater hillbilly slashers around.

Director: Jamie Blanks Cast: Nadia Farés, Robert Taylor, David Lyons, Mathew Wilkinson, John Brumpton

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Devil's Bridge (2010)

Plot: Sean (Joseph Millson) takes 2 friends on a weekend to Wales were he hopes a gypo friend of a friend can help him scam some money from his failing business before it goes bankrupt. Along for the ride are scouser Danny (Gary Mavers) & official Essex twat Adam Michael Jibson.

Did you spill my pint

The place is middle of fuck nowhere Wales and round here the English aren't popular they pick this up straight away bumping (Almost literally as he refuses to get out of the way of there oncoming car) into local nutter Bill (Joshua Richards). Passing him of as just a local dildo they venture to a local pub (Which even a local told them not to go to..... basic mistake). The pub seems unfriendly enough but then Bill turns up and even the locals are shit scared of him. Danny (being an Essex prick) decides to try an intimidate the fucker (as he knows a man who knows a man who's connected to some Gypo gangsters.

Unfortunately Bill is a English hating, crazy fucking ballbag, nutcase who has been burning non-locals out of there cottages for years & these guys disrespect requires a touch of vengeance, and with his blood boiled by Danny being a prick he may just have took his revenge a bit far.

Tell you mate, worst holiday ever

Is it good: Yes, not half bad attempt at a backwoods Welsh hillbilly slasher, the lonely backdrop of a remote Wales works well to convince you they would be distant from any help or police interference. Joshua Richards is the strong link in the film making the psycho fuck Bill, believably, you would not want to fuck with this ex navy nutcase. The acting overall is a descent standard, low budget but not too much to be annoying and the film has a particularly brutal and drunk as I was a pretty impressive ending.

Turdige: After a ropy night in a prestatyn local back in the 90s I know it can be dodgy in a Welsh pub at times but this is just one bloke the rest of the locals don't want anything to do with him so it doesn't make much sense why the three of them don't just stove his head in, rather than running off and splitting up in the woods.

The real Devils bridge if you care

Also the title is a bit confusing Devils Bridge falls is a tourist attraction near Aberystwyth in Wales but it doesn't feature in the film the landmark they go to is just a view of the see & an Island from the beach? I had the feeling this could have been much more, Bill on the rampage was a bit stunted, there was always the feeling it could have been taken much further especially the lack of gore.

Also a lack of those woman things in the film is god damn sexist. What has it come to when the only representative of the fairer sex is some dodgy barmaid flange for a few minutes Emmeline Pankhurst would be fuming (Wheres the gash she would be saying).

Overall: A no bad attempt for a British indie film, but the basic plot doesn't reach the heights of Wolf Creek. In the words of Somebody else "The reason why the bridge into Wales only charges on the way in..." - Gaz Bailey, Abertoir Horror Festival