Tuesday 25 June 2013

V/H/S 2 (2013) Film Review



V/H/S 2 (2013)

 

Plot:   Tape 49 A pair of dodgy private eye’s break into a rundown house searching for a missing student only to find TVs playing static & a shit load of VHS tapes stacked everywhere it looks like about half my porn collection from the 90s. 
The P.I’s think there be clues and while Mr P.I goes off in the dark to search for errr someone to kill him I think, Mrs P.I scopes out some old school video entertainment.



Phase I Clinical Trials Bloke gets free bionic eye if he agrees to the data being recorded & uploaded.  His concern is scientists watching him taking a dump.  Turns out that’s not his only problem the eye is tuned into the frequency of the dead & these angry sprits also want to watch him take a dump.    


A Ride in the Park – Bloke takes time out from a sickeningly romantic relationship to run a mountain bike trail through the woods, hitting a zombie outbreak & finally making his way through the trials & tribulations of zombification.   
Alright I'll go & do all the work you just watch TV, Lazy bitch


Safe Haven – Under cover jurno’s convince a local cult leader to allow them access to film inside his facility.  Hoping to uncover proof of child abuse & brain washing they find a whole shitload more within this demon worshiping badass cult that’s only slightly less creepy than Scientology.  

Slumber Party Alien Abduction – Irritating kids attempt jackass style pranks on their older sister and her boy/friends while their parents are away.  Luckily a passing group of, I can only assume, intergalactic babysitters turn up to put an end to the tomfoolery before someone gets hurt. 


 Is it good:  Yes, I enjoyed the set up of the original V/H/S stumbling on seemingly supernatural snuff & found footage tapes.  

Horror shorts can sometimes bring fresh ideas that maybe wouldn’t get the funding for a major feature and the horror genre is perfect for this format.

Barry Chuckle gets Pink eye

There is a lot to be said for shorter more impact driven horrors, straight in, shit you up, leave you wanting more. 



Found footage films are great but they do suffer with the - why the hell are they still filming syndrome.  Ridiculous excuses like in Evidence (2011) “I’m making a documentary about my mates first camping trip” & even when he snuffs it “carry on filming we must document everything” & Chronicle (2012) Stop filming ballbag (I’m not filming but I’ve met a girl that also films everything).  

  In the case of Area 407 (2012) just throw the camera at the dinosaur it may buy you an extra 30 seconds of life.  

When you don’t have to question the documentation, like with Paranormal activity (2007), Apartment 143 (2011) & Ghostencounters (2011), it adds some credibility to the film.  In those films the people are there to film everything and actively search for what they are filming even if it terrifies them.  


Kinky nightmare fantasy
This collection works that premise by having some inventive ways to keep filming without you questioning “why would they”.  Phase 1 has a recording eye, A Ride in the Park has a fixed head cam to film the bike ride, Safe Haven, reporters trying to uncover a story, even S.P.A.A has the dog cam.

It does open up the question what is obviously digital filmed technology doing on VHS tapes but it seems the old magnetic tape (like in The Ring (2002)) has a supernatural power

These aren’t debut film makers so we shouldn’t ignore the bad either.

 

Tape 49  
Good: The segway piece is slightly creepy and a bit more fleshed out than the original stating the videos have a power or an infection when viewed.  Nice ending a  bit of gore  & a kind of comedy feel that finishes it off quite nicely.

Turdige: A bit of the annoying let’s at every opportunity split up in this creepy dark house that may not be empty as it has TVs still switched on.

Overall: 5/10

Phase I Clinical Trials 
The Good: A new take on the White Noise (2005) kind of premise, initially did creep me out.  The claustrophobic limited location & the scare techniques used if you follow the horror movie watching Rules it would fuck anyone up.


Tom Cruise goes back on Oprah 
Turdige: Being schizo I have to say it lost that initial scare factor because it relied on the old loud noises & bloke standing in the corner fear factor throughout this is killer at first but wears off quickly if used repeatedly.  They needed to build up to something else & the pool bit was lame.  Plus it would have been good to flesh it out with the scientists actually doing it to film the dead but its only 20+ mins long 

Overall:  Initially very effective but when it built up to an end the impact lessened.  Saying that the very end isn’t bad. 7/10

A Ride in the Park –
The Good: Nice to see a short intro & straight into the biting, pretty much an extended one off scene from a zombie flick (barbeque attack it could be called) loved the little novice zombie touched like trying his own flesh & most of all it was fun (well fun in a morally incredibly depressing way, just the way I like it) 

Turdige: It bugs me when you read reviews of zombie prospective movies you hear its unique, so inventive, please watch some fucking movies.  Colin (2008) – (can’t blame you for not seeing a £40 youtube movie) but Wasting Away (2007) I, Zombie: (1998) The Return of the Living Dead films from the 80s especially Melinda Clarke's tit-tastic performance in part III, maybe more I haven’t seen before.  It’s been done before I can assure you.  To be fair that’s not an argument against this film theres not much wrong with it, some lacklustre zombie fighting that’s all.

Overall: 7/10 Nice effects & a pretty good ending but just an interlude to the awesomeness of....

Safe Haven –
My Ex scrubs up well
The Good: I loved this mini film it is a cut above everything here & pretty much every horror I’ve seen this year.  A brilliantly shot, mini masterpiece, that paces itself brilliantly from the investigative reporters slow steady build up to the introduction of the creepy brainwashed cult members and the unstable psychotic leader.  Even the little touches like a girl almost dropping the leader in it but being shut up make it feel just like a genuine documentary piece.  Until it suddenly goes tits up mental

Then knocking it up a notch and some with brtutal gore that was at times awesome.  It was only after watching I found out it was made by the director of The Raid (2011) Gareth Evans, it’s obviously not to that level but his quality shows the guy knows how to make an impact.  At times I felt like I was drawn into a 1st person shooter but not in a terrible Doom (2005) way.

Turdige: Only the Billy goat gruff was a bit on the Buffy side of cheesy. 

Overall: I’ve sucked up to this film enough.  It was alright. 10/10

Slumber Party Alien Abduction –
The Good: Great title. For what it is, the acting is spot on the kids do a great job in what’s a pretty poor final tape it creates a good set up and the sudden change to the which involves very loud noises which as usual are initially very creepy.    


I am cornholio i need T.P. for my bumhole
Turdige: It’s more like a home invasion movie than an alien abduction far too noisy.  There’s no beaming people up just chasing with wavy, skinny arms.  It doesn’t make much sense, especially why they end up in the water???  

Overall: Noisy but eventful, some will like but to me a letdown after the last vid.  6/10


Over-Overall:   That’s a long review hope you didn’t get bored (who am I kidding no one is reading this shit).  Ignore the above, let’s go with ITS GREAT WATCH IT if not just Fast Forward to Safe Haven.




Directors: Simon Barrett, Adam Wingard, Eduardo Sanchez, Gregg Hale, Timo Tjahjanto, Gareth Huw Evans and Jason Eisene Some Cast: Kelsy Abbott ,Hannah Al Rashid, Fachry Albar, Oka Antara, L.C. Holt, Devon Brookshire,Kevin Hunt, Hannah Hughes, Mindy Robinson






Get Rock Band T-Shirts & Merchandise from Rock.com

FREE BETS



P2 (2007) DVD Movie review



P2 (2007)



Plot:   Angela (Rachel Nichols) is working late, it’s Christmas Eve, party to go to, her family is waiting; she just wants to get in the car and fuck off home.


Unfortunately her car is shagged.  Friendly security guard Thomas (Wes Bentley) is on hand to try and help.  Again unfortunately his idea of helping is chaining her to a table and making her have Christmas with him. 

He’s fucking nuts, it must be boring being a lone security guard on Christmas night but really this is taking it too far he could well be up for a disciplinary in the new year. 
  


Its Xmas smile, ungrateful bitch

 Is it good:  Yes, The writer / producer Alexander Aja’s involvement must have helped he has a knack for supplying stories with atmosphere and tension to movies you think will be pretty predictable slasher/splatter films.  High Tension and The Hills Have Eyes both exceeded expectations (well mine).  The same with P2 what could have been just a low budget stalker scream queen fest excelled in atmosphere had an energy that kept my interest till the end. 

Plus Rachel Nichols has awesome tits and isn’t afraid to give a bit of killer cleavage for the audience. She wasn’t just a pair of tits with eyes though her acting was pretty spot on terrified but full of survival instinct not afraid to fight for her life. 

Wes Bentley the creepy bag loving weirdo of American beauty is convincing as the psychotic stalking security guard.  (Very creepy eyes)

Watch out you could have
 someones eyes out  with those tits 

The dark parking barren garage was an effective setting, being in one on your own in the dark is not a nice feeling.  It seems both, close to the outside world but at the same time a world away & in this film an inescapable prison.
Not a complete gore fest but the touches it had were excellent. 



I love my wall




Turdige:  A shorter faster film may have been better.  Mobile phones in horror movies get on my tits film makers really need to look at how they actually work the old haven’t got a signal is just too weak hook these days it’s getting like “oh the car wont start”.  




Overall:   The cleavage stole the show it could have been a film about over cooked Yorkshire puddings & I wouldn’t have cared.  But it wasn’t it was a great little psychological horror. 

Director: Franck Khalfoun Cast: Wes Bentley, Rachel Nichols, Simon Reynolds, Philip Akin





BUY_UK_P2_DVD


BUY/RENT_P2_US












































Get Rock Band T-Shirts & Merchandise from Rock.com




Friday 21 June 2013

WOULD YOU RATHER (2013)



Would You Rather (2013)


Plot:   Iris (Brittany Snow) is struggling, her brother is ill and well down the list for an essential bone marrow transplant, with no other family to rely on she can’t afford the bills for prescription drugs.  


Basically things are shit and shit times call for desperate measures, visiting the doctor to get some better insurance terms there is a mystery guest Shepard Lambrick (Jeffrey Combs) with some seemingly good news.  

 He’s rich & he likes her cause offering the chance to not only clear the debts, get extra cash but have a donor ready by the end of the week.  Obviously there’s a catch and she must attend a dinner party (sounds easy) & participate in a game (ahhh thinking to herself "I’m going to get bummed").   

Stop laughing at my headband bitch
That afternoon she gets knocked back from a waitressing job due to lack of experience & things the potential bumming is worth the risk.

So the game: 8 strangers must play, would you rather? Seemingly a simple game of choice, but the Lambrick’s are a sick bunch of shits and as the games escalate it the realisation occurs that only the winner may have a chance to come out alive. 



Is it good:  Yes & No, the plus points are; it’s an effective low budget effort mostly set in one location It’s all you need and feeds on the importance that this maybe the last room they ever see depending on the choices they make.


Yes this is the last fucking supper
The film plays on the morality of the participants.  What will they do to win, some will be brave, some will give there lives, some will be nasty fucking selfish bitches.

Brittany is good as the pretty but down trodden girl trying to look after her brother but Jeffrey Combs wins the show hands down the Re-Animator himself who played one of my favorite characters Milton Dammers in The Frighteners (1996) plays it like a pantomime villain but the biggest surprise was professional cock Juggler (Sasha Grey) putting in a good performance as the nasty sexy bitch Amy.  When shes not busy shoving huge things up her butt like in Anal Cavity Search 6 (2008) and the other 200+ skin flicks she’s done, she isn’t too bad.     

 



Opps wrong movie
Turdige: It wasn’t as good as it could have been.  Not every film has to have saw level of gore but this movie could have done with a touch more.  It did have some brutal & squeamish moments but not enough was made of their Salvador Dali moment. 

Money & desperation may be good motivators but the fight or flight instinct surely would have kicked in a bit sooner.  

The start of the party - little tests, you would have to be a blind monkey on a stick not to see it would get worse, initial stabs at demeaning people for money "you're a veggie I'll give you $10,000 to get a steak"
your a recovering alchy heres £50,000 drink this shit load of whiskey.   They would have been out the door before the torture arrived.

Crab man just looked bored to be there.  

The very end was so obvious I figured it out in 1984 



Overall:  Arrr I may have to watch it again I was very tired and I think it affected my enjoyment.  I should have loved it but it just didn’t quite hit the mark, way above average but not as great as I thought it would be I think it could have been bigger more brutal and either realistic or comedic without having to up the budget. 


Director:David Guy Levy Cast:Brittany Snow, Jeffrey Combs, Jonny Coyne, Lawrence Gilliard Jr, Enver Gjokaj, Sasha Grey, John Heard



Not Available on DVD till 09/07/13 UK

UK_ USA_







T Shirts & Stuff
CDC Zombie Apocalypse Response Team T-shirt
CDC Zombie Apocalypse Response Team T-shirt by zombieplanet
Browse Zazzle for another teezazzle.co.uk