Sunday 30 December 2012

ALIEN SCI-FI HORROR

Altered (2012)





We don't like welders round here bub
Plot: Out in the swamps Cody (fully Fucking mental), Duke & Otis, 3 drunken Hillbilly dribblers are hunting something big, they're hyped up but shitting it whatever it is its dangerous by the look of the crappy, mental, homemade harpoon they're using

Poor fuckers were Anally Probed by the them or something (15 years ago) I'm not sure how old they are now and so how inappropriate the A.P'ng was.  Along with their (no longer) buddy Wyatt and Cody's brother (who must have been AP'd to death)Cody took the hit for his brothers death and has been in prison probably engaging in some more forced A.P'ng which would explain why he's such a bell-end.

Shitting it they turn up at Wyatt's fortified compound of a house, paranoid fucker it seems.  He's not happy, not sure wether its the impromptu reunion or the fact they turned up with a viciouschained up alien, wearing a welders mask, that buggered them when they were younger, and not some beer

You one UGLY mother fucker
The Alien has psychic powers taking control of Wyatt's girlfriend and generally being a bothersome house guest.  

It inevitably escapes causing mayhem in a confined space death, entrails everywhere & a rotting disease if it bites you.  Could they really capture something so powerful, or did it do it to uncover Wyatt who knows far more about the alien than anyone else.  Will anyone make it out alive does Wyatt have gnarly powers of his own.  Even if they could kill it would they want to as the aliens may say fuck it and wipe out humanity.

Whats that coming out of the Bath is it a monster...Is it a Monster
 Is it good:  Yes, A nice cool little movie from one of the The Blair Witch guys.  the acting is fine (If a little over the top and hard to bear at times by Cody, however the alien encounter may have ruined all there lives but his most all).   The film has a dark comedy edge throughout the first half hour but it does not take this too far.  The welders mask was useful in 3 ways it was funny, to the story hiding its eyes, its ability to make a psychic contact and to hide the ropy costume when the room is too bright.   On the alien costume its well made and effective (lighting permitting) The Gore effects are decent including the flesh eating disease and the ideas in the movie are bright and inventive.  In the build up to the end the film intensifies with Wyatt understanding his true part in it all.

Turdige: Cody may be a little too annoying for some in an overacting frenzy If you rely on  CGI and believe Transformers is the pinnacle of alien filmolity errr fuck you
 
Overall:   Nicely placed reverse Alien abduction, hillbillies save the world Horror Sci Fi.  Don't come along often defiantly worth a watch.  Cool, violent, gory and a great story.
   








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Thursday 27 December 2012

GHOSTS IN THE MACHINE

The Apparition (2012)



Bad breath kills



Plot: Rule 8 Don't encourage spirits they tend to be arseholes.  

1973 As usual some tits are blatantly ignoring this rule by attempting to contact a recently deceased colleague.  We see footage of this in some old super 8 footage.  Even though its the 1970s & not the 1780s they don't have a photo of him just some crappy drawing (weird).  Not taking it very seriously, all smiling and rocking a table, this bollocks was known as the Charles experiment .  

Cut to 40 years later and a sexy blonde bint is waiting for some nerd-lingers to turn up so they can recreate the Charles experiment, new millennium style (all bluetooth & amps & shit).  There going to try and drag a spirit through to the real world by amplifiying their concentrated belief to the equivalent of 500 people.  One of them is the bad kid from Harry potter but theres no magic here just pure scientific gibberish.  

 It seems to work so they immediately shit themselves and it all goes tits up.  
Leave it Marge, they're not worth it

Then suddenly were watching Ben one of the experimenters (Sebastian Stan) Now a cable guy and his girlfriend Kelly (Ashley Greene) shopping in Costco.   They have a house in a new development were practicaly no one lives she buys a cactus and it DIES straight away Da Da Dar.

Strange things happen in the house doors open, grubby marks appear and this is a brand new house for fucks sake.  Somethings definitely not right but Kelly is wondering round in her underwear so I don't care.

Ben is getting shit loads of messages from Voldermort or whoever he is "call me" "containment failed" "shitballs" that kind of thing with a video attachment a nice found footage bit were they attempt a bit of ghost busting by amping it up to 4,000 peoples worth of belief.  

Doesn't look like it worked as things go from bad to worse in this sub poltergeist bollocks.  They just keep amping it up, dickheads!!!
 
Spirito fuckoficus
Is it good:  No not really, just passable.  The premise is very good not just a seance but a scientific experiment to see if belief can create a ghost is a great idea, when I saw a teaser clip a while ago that appears about half way into the film (a bit of found footage) I thought that'll do me and indeed the first 5 mins are pretty promising and those few found footage type clips are probably the best bits, should have done the whole movie like that.  Ashley Greene is very attractive if you squint your eyes it looks the ghost is groping her tits on the cover,  She was in Twilight as we know an appalling bag of shite so this film may be part of her punishment.  There are a couple of nice effects but like when she nails herself in nothing really makes you jump.  

Turdige: Once the first 5 mins are over its cuts to what seems like a bad teen drama.  Just 2 people you don't really care about being tormented by some mold.  The acting is just a bit dull Tom Felton as Patrick is ok, in fact the movie should have just the first group as Lydia was fit and looked at least interested or even the 70s crew they looked like nice bunch (groovy outfits)

 
Overall:   I don't think its as bad as some of the reviews suggest but defiantly a let down after the trailer.  If you are going to watch it don't watch the trailer below first it will build up your expectations too much.  Alright for a sunday afternoon if you have nothing better to do Poltergeist is a obvious Superior comparison but also The Pulse, White Noise, The signal are all along the same lines but much better.  

Director: Todd Lincoln. Cast: Ashley Greene, Sebastian Stan, Tom Felton, Julianna Guill, Luke Pasqualino




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I Need Hits

GHOST MYSTERIES

Its a closet
The Pact (2012)


Plot: Rule No7 Don't make pacts, fuckers hold you to them
Nicole & Annie are sisters whose mother has recently died, neither of them really give a fuck  (seems she was a bit of a shit)Nicole is manning up organising the funeral arrangements trying to persuade Annie to turn up, Annie's is a recovering Ex junkie skank,  she seems to give even less of a fuck.  Just when you're thinking this is some kind of Ken Loach social commentary piece.  Nicole Skype's her daughter, struggling to get a good signal on the laptop she walks around the house, trying to talk to her "can you see mommy "  her daughter says "yes mommy who's that behind you".  A genuinely creepy as fuck moment (I'd already seen it in the trailer but I've seen it twice now and it still creeps me the out). Its a closet.

Smack my bitch up

The house has a mysterious creepy closet and it may be eating people.  Next day sister 2 turns up.  The skanky bird turns out to be, hot as toast actress Caity Lotz.  Shes great and helps us out a lot by spending some time in her skimpies (Is it wrong to perv at a girls ass when shes running in terror frightened for her life).  

Weird shit starts to happen in the House, ghostly spooky poltergeist stuff and dreams that seem to be leading her to something.  A mystery needs solving who is the woman, what is Judas, what the fuck is going on?  I know go to the police they should be able to help. The conversation probably went like this.


A bit of Closet action
 "why don't you believe me" "well because we just met & its fucking nuts you think just because you've got nice tits I'll believe anything you .......Oh alright I believe you".

Fortunately Casper Van Dien back from his long tour of duty fighting the bugs for our freedom he seems to have learned a bit of acting along the way and is no longer just a talking cupboard.  Hes a cop who helps her out along with a weird psychic friend Stevie. 
  
The mystery evolves, is there an evil spirit in the house, is another spirit helping are they both trying to drive her insane, does it even exist.  What is the connection to a serial killer from the past and who is the mysterious woman who keeps appearing



Do I have a nice Arse
 













 
Is it good:  Yes. It is a pretty good movie the acting is generally to a good standard, especially Stevie the weird psychic & the scene where she first goes to see Stevie with the loud industrial techno playing was a very trippy mindfuck.  Plus the reading she does in the house was another genuine creepy moment.

The very human approach of the film adds to its appeal, family problems, repressed issues lead to some quite realistic scenes, she takes a piss on screen, its a natural bodily function that is rarely seen in movies unless its a comedy but then Chuck Berry got in trouble over that kind of filming so the director should watch out.  The house is a creepy location that holds the story together well.

Turdige: There's a bit of smell the fart acting a times but nothing major even Casper Van Dien makes a descent effort (If you've ever seen any of his B-movie classics you would agree this is an amazing feat). The change of style from supernatural to natural enemy was a huge shift and makes you feel why does the spirit not fuck up the bad guy that was slightly disappointing & the reason it did not achieve, probably, a deserved higher score.  
 
Overall:   A nicely put together low budget supernatural thriller in the vain of Stir of Echos or the fuck Awful Dram House (but don,t let that put you off) 





Director: Nicholas McCarthy Cast: Caity Lotz, Casper Van Dien, Agnes Bruckner, Haley Hudson




Similar to:  Stir of Echoes (1999) , Gothika (2003), The Return (2006)), Don't Look Now (1973)





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Cassadaga (2011)
Plot: Lily (Kelen Coleman) doesn’t have it easy, she’s a few lbs shy of being Milla Kunis, she’s deaf and within 10 mins of the film her sister has become roadkill.
There’s only one thing left to do, fuck off to Cassadaga coincidently the self proclaimed “Psychic Capital of the World”.  


  
Taking a job at a local school to fund a university course she meets Mike (Kevin Alejandro) a single father who seems to use his young daughter as bait to lure in the ladies (dodgy).  He takes her on a date and what a date it is, forget the meal for two or a nice rom-com, let’s get tanked up and go see a psychic medium.  Not just any medium though a scientifically tested one, you can tell they’re genuine as they have disabilities all the best ones do (Stephen Hawkins and his Dark magic).   Lily hears her sister but the séance is interrupted by a dark presence that knocks her & the medium unconscious.   Sounds like a bad night but it eventually gets him laid.

The presence attaches itself to her, manifesting as rotten images and a dead girl who is pushing her to a stroke.  The medium tells her it is a restless spirit that will not leave till it gets what it wants and the more Lily denies the sprit the more violent it will get eventually killing her.

Ghosts love tits
This leads to a murder mystery to find who the bitch is and what she god damn wants. Throw in a fucked up puppet obsessed serial killer for added spice and you’ve got yourself a right pickle.


Is it good:  Yes, the film flows well, story building with intrigue throughout the mystery; the acting is good for an independent horror with no major stars, Kelen?? (Is that a name) carries the film, maybe it’s the deaf thing, but I had empathy for the character straight away, which always helps getting drawn into the story.  
The director Anthony DiBlasi made the low budget Dread, a violent kind of disturbing, gem of a movie and this feel is fleshed out with the serial killer element but the movie does have a more TV movie feel in the whole. 
I feel a bit guilty as Kelen, Is very attractive she’s in not fat but she does look like Milla Kunis with a bit of chunk, in the tit department it’s all good.
The story is defiantly central and strong throughout it doesn’t get lost (maybe a little sidetracked but not lost) in horror or gore.  
Miss Florida 2011 
Turdige: There are definitely bits in the film where I think the director forgets she’s deaf, like having the porn of the computer loud but not seeing the images how would she know its porn.

Really; you have two people and you want to do a Rear window type search of the suspected nutcases bedroom, when he could come back at any moment who do you send, of course the deaf girl.

 Perhaps it tries to fit too much in, with four separate genres together, murder/mystery, , slasher, love story, haunting , maybe it sells them short not having enough time to establish them all. 

In fact they spend so long on the love story (obviously some shit that slasher/ghost movie lovers can do without, jut show us some flesh & we’re happy) that making it irrelevant at the end seemed a pointless waste of time it being there in the first place.  If he had returned because the love was too great then maybe it would have made sense. 

Cutting that shit out would have meant more time on the other elements.  Such as the killer "Gepetto" a great set up & seems a genuinely unique creation (In the slasher vain I mean) definitely disturbing so deserved more air time.   


Overall:   Similar vain to the Pact 2019, the serial killer in this is more fucked up but the ghost element in the pact way creepier.  

 
Director: Anthony DiBlasi, Cast: Kevin Alejandro, Louise Fletcher, Kelen Coleman, Rus Blackwell, Lucius Baston




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The Traveller (2010)


Plot:  Someone who looks like Val Kilmer only fatter has mozzied on in a kind of Assault on precinct 13 style, almost abandoned, police station at the festive period.  He’s the scruff with no name “The Drifter”.  

 Confessing to the murder of six people but get this the murders haven't happened yet.  The cops think he’s just a mental bellend but cuff him just in case. 

Under interrogation he’s one tough dude who may or may not be reminiscent of a tramp they picked up a year earlier in connection to the murder of the sergeants daughter, who they also may or may not have FUBAR’d up the ass. 

As his confessions inevitably lead to grisly bloody deaths occurring the cops begin to believe there is an accomplice or is there more to the creepy fucker than meets the eye. 


    
Fatman Forever
Is it good:  Not really, but It does have its good points, when you feel drawn into the character before generally deciding it’s just bollocks. The film sometimes has a creepy feel, a gloomy atmosphere and some of the gore is well worked & kind of extreme for what seems like a TV movie.  The tongue cutting scene really made me squirm. 


Luckily I had zero expectations of the movie
before watching having never heard of it, which helped; I certainly could not have been let down.  Honestly if you read other reviews you couldn’t be let down they are all pretty much negative.  I don’t think it’s that bad as most say (but it certainly aint great).




Your gonna need a bigger gun
Turdige: It’s unfair to criticise, everyone puts on a few pounds when they get older, except for me but I’m probably dying from some undiscovered venereal wasting disease. 

It’s not unfair however to criticise his mumbling shitty performance. Kilmer plays it like some tired, ironic dying poet “confessing” with stories of how he murdered the six.  Its a low but not his worst. 

Kilmer must really hate Tom Cruise 20 years ago they were almost at an even level, Cruise had Risky Business, Kilmer had Top Secret!, Cruise had Legend, Kilmer had Willow. Even though Tommy boy was gaining critical acclaim for Rain man, A Few Good Men & that soppy vampire shit.

 Kilmer was holdings his own in Heat, playing Jim Morrison & Batman.  It all went tits up for Kilmer in the mid 90s.  Both of them stared in big screen remakes of 60s TV series (both with dodgy rubber mask/disguises). 

Anymore fat jokes Im going to eat you
Unfortunately for Kilmer, while Cruise got Mission: Impossible (1996) and along with it a multimillion dollar franchise that has lasted 20 years Kilmer had the turkey fuck of a movie in The Saint (1997) which not only nosedived his career but dragged Elizabeth Shue with him.  “Even in Top Gun the little mad scientologist shitbag got the lead” – (Genuine made up quote)




Overall:   Not terrible for a beyond the grave revenge story with a twisty little ending but it could have been a looooooooot better if they didn’t hit you in the face with a plot so fucking obvious and you have to trawl through it to get to a twist.   
 
 Director: Michael Oblowitz Cast: Val Kilmer, Dylan Neal, Paul McGillion, Camille Sullivan, Nels Lennarson.




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