Plot: Nazis they pop up in the most unlikely of places the little scamps. This time its deep under the Arctic. After a hasty getaway during WWII, involving some ropey CGI, crack shot Josef Mengele AKA "The Angel of Death" AKA "The Arsehole of Auschwitz", has made this his home along with some Uber, kind of, sort of, undead Nazis.
Cut to an Arctic research station - modern day a couple of scientists (one of them looks Dominique Swain the Jail-bait Vadge from Lolita only older) are drilling for samples when they hit the Nazi plane Mengele AKA "The ballbag of Belsen", escaped in. The plane was well hidden at least an inch below the ice. Suddenly 2 gas mask wearing Nazis pop up. Quite difficult for 2 people wearing all black to sneak up on anyone in barren snow covered landscape but lets not get hung up on the little things. The gits even blow up their drill (or plastic tube).
Back at research station Scientist Jake Busy and his teeth are having an argument with another scientist. It appears Jake (Dr Reistad ) is a bit off the rails, maverick, takes risks at other peoples expense, almost as if hes been using the other scientists as human experiments?????.
This is soon forgotten when they go out in search of Oldlita find a big hole in the earth full of Nazis human experimenting as they always do especially the old "Anti Death" experiments. Will they save Oldlita, do they know the skinned bloke who looks like a spare rib, can they save the world, or have the Nazis mellowed with age taking up knitting & looking after cats.
Is it good:
Difficult one I suppose it depends on your sate of mind. Personally I had minus expectations, watched it drunk & loved almost all of it. Not knowing anything about the movie except the title it was a surprise to see 2 actors I recognised - Jake Busy may not be as nuts as his dad but he gives it a good go & I don't think Ive seen Dominique Swain in anything since Face Off, still they are not - no marks. The rest of the cast are a mix some make the effort but others couldn't even be bothered to act cold in the outside Arctic bits. The CGI is terrible but who cares they must have spent all the money on spare rib bloke (left). You can even learn something when Busy mentions results from Nazi Human experiments are used in the treatment frostbite
This is a kind of Sunday hangover film. If you prefer to watch Gore & zombie rape, than songs of praise. Unusually for a Nazi zombie movie it even has a bit of titage but its not a particularly nice scene. The end is a total mental fest that pushes the boundaries of NUTS.
Turdige: Being a Global Asylum production you expect lousy CGI (The snow mobile wouldnt have been out of place on a 80s spectrum 48K game) & a bit of ropy acting. A company that makes low budget cash-ins on recently released big budget films it was a risk to do one on the already low budget Iron Sky but this worked better than most especially
Transmorphers . Im still not sure how a saucer full of Nazis is supposed to defeat 7 Billion people & take over the world.
Overall: Perhaps not an Oscar winner but just when your getting bored up pops a giant fuck off Robot Hitler, I was sold This is a true 10 Pint movie
Dead Snow (2009)
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| Wintertime for Hitler (better song) |
Hell bent on getting drunk listening to Norwegian metal & having a good time the party is halted due to an unsuspected kill Joy visitor, an old grouchy beer stealing weirdo who tells a tale of Nazi killers decimating the local villages & stealing their gold. He tells a graphic story of how they were hunted down & mostly executed, only a small band lead by General Herzog are chased into the mountains where they froze to death or did they. Did a curse make them the undead as people have disappeared over the years. "There is an evil you do not want to awake". He leaves & they laugh it off (the fools).
Strangely Ignoring his own warning & pitching a tent on the mountains on his Tod he is soon gutted in a vicious attack.
The youngsters stumble on a box of the cheapest Argos gold you probably couldn't even cash into a pawnbroker but the Nazi Zombies apparently love cheap gold more than brains.
+3b.JPG) |
Is it good: Yes. Ive seen some bad reviews for dead snow, I'm not sure what peoples expectations were for a Norwegian Nazi Zombie comedy.
The film follows the basic formula & like the scream movies its on purpose from the opening credit kill to the Ive almost escaped finale & filled in with some of the best visuals & gore you will see in a movie. Movie references are sprinkled throughout from the Temple of Doom to Evil dead II if these annoy you then please never watch family guy.
The fat bloke is also wearing an Brain Dead Tshirt The greatest ZomCom of all time. Hopefully the guy who made this won't change track & make fuck awful Hobbit movies.
I'm sure film makers will tell you zombie make up is difficult to perfect in the dark somehow this film has managed to do it in bright sunshine & white reflective snow. The Zombies look awesome (As the pic at the top shows) The gore is amazing and well placed - using intestines as a rope to hang of was particularly cool. The action is from all across the genre the claustrophobia feel of the cabin, the chasing through the woods & the balls out everybody having it out in the wide open landscape and I think they hit them all well.
A main sticking point in reviews seems the comedy but this is a European movie you cant expect the highbrow comedy of Adam Sandler or Benny Hill. You certainly shouldn't try & match it to Shaun of the Dead. Some of it may be lame & even annoying but to me it was expected & no where near as bad as I thought it would be
Roy: Hello, 9-1-1? We've been attacked by what look like German zombies from the Second World War! And we set our cabin on fire by accident!
Roy: The bitch hung up on me!
that's fine comedy in my book & the woman in the tree with the crow made me laugh
Turdige: Undoubtedly the build up is too long the cabin & fucking around in the snow could have been shorter. Also Nazi zombies I can believe but a fat bloke shagging the really fit blonde while hes taking a dump thats taking it too far. Also don't watch the dubbed version the subtitles may take your eyes of the action but the dubbing makes it seem like a stooges film. Overall: Superb film the visuals, music, action, gore, make up, invention, mountain landscapes, the whole set up is excellent. Watch it.
Blu ray USA Bluray/rent
Blood Creek (Town Creek) - 2009
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| I Dreamed a dream |
Plot: Way back in the old black & white days those sneaky Nazis are on the search for occult stuff again, this time in the new world where the Nazi Nordic ancestors had planted powerful Runes of supernatural power (Vikings touring the USA before the Beatles & Columbus?? There are doubters but if the vikings made it from Scandinavian to the east of Greenland it doesn't makes sense that some wouldn't have tried the relatively shorter distance to Northern Canada & down the coast).
The Nazis send a non Jewish Magneto to do the job. The very sinister Michael Fassbender who creeps out the suspicious German immigrant family who put him up on their farm & he seems to have an unhealthy interest in their young Aryan daughter. He has special powers bringing the girls bird back to life for Oh! 2 seconds Well fuck me that's the war won then.
Suddenly were in modern day 70 years after the greatest victory for freedom and democracy some grebs are using that freedom to get fucked up on Meth. In the middle of a cop-greb showdown we meet our hero, Evan the paramedic & it seems his life isn't much better than the Meth head with the gunshot wound hes treating.
Rapt with guilt because he lost his recently returned war hero brother in the swamp, his crippled father who he looks after every day hates him & he's stuck with his brothers kids. Even living in a caravan like a Meth'Ed, hes 2 shits from suicide when Rob Zombie breaks into his caravan.
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| Dick head |
Bugger me the house is the black & white farm miraculously turned to colour with a family inside quite like the 1930s German dudes.
Taking the farm is just the start there is a much greater threat Magneto is still knocking about & has improved his dead to life trick to zombie levels trying to turn himself into some kind of Demi God. Will the brothers kick the Nazi Zombie Demi fuck back to Germanland or will he take over the the whole swamp & then who knows have a Mc Donalds as he has been there for 70 years.
Is it good: Yes sort of !!! the acting is sound, Fassbender is a top actor & this is no B movie troop of nobodies. The effects are nicely done Fassbender's Demi fuck wannabe looks great & the Zombie horse was just brilliant. The action is relentless its such a fast paced movie there's no time to be bored.
Plus the ladies will love the leads Henry Cavill & Dominic Purcell they spend dubious amounts of time with thier tops off while unforgivably Emma Booth only lifts her top up to show some scars on her back Booooooo!!!!!!. Sexist if you ask me.
Turdige: It just could have been so much better, Joel Schumacher is still doing time for his fucking up of the Batman franchise (please remember he made Lost boys, Flatliners & Falling Down) he makes a good attempt at a pretty basic script but there is just a lack of soul in the whole thing (a bit like a zombie) & it doesn't make much sense you just keep feeling why has it took 70 years for him to get going. It just seems like nobody really cared enough to give it any life. Overall: Good but not great . You may think how could this get the same score as Nazis at the center of the earth but its all relative to the budget/feel/actors/style/expectation/drunkeness/time of the month etc. I'm sure you could have made it much better
Director: Joel Schumacher cast: Henry Cavill, Dominic Purcell, Victor Alan Marshall, Emma Booth, Michael Fassbender
UK Bluray USA Buy/Rent
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