10 Pint Movies: BUYING GHOSTS OR CURSED SHIT

Open Graves (2009)

Nice Eyes

lot: During the Spanish Inquisition or the Inquisition as they probably called it in Spain, a young woman (witch) is being tortured to death (you really can't beat the love & understanding of organised religion). A little known fact is the Inquisition later re-branded as Hasbro & when the witch Mamba is skinned alive, her bodily parts are used to contrctuct the worlds first board game. The rules of the game, role the dice move around the board pick a card, if its the epitaph card your fucked you will die in the same way as the description on the card but make it all the way round the board and you can make one granted wish. Worth a punt to a gambler such as myself.

In modern day Spain (where everyone seems to be American or English) a bunch of gap year surfer dudes & dudettes (All good looking perfect teeth mofo's) after a washed out beach party decide to play the game. People lose go off & are fucked up by some of the dodgiest CGI known to man. Crabs eating eyes, a million year old model & the most dangerous dragonfly in existence. Will the leg
less man hold the key & can they win the game, will
Eliza Dushku ever win an Oscar.

Must be Xmas

Is it good: Yes . The film stars Eliza Dushku so my enjoyment of the film went up to 11, she was awesome as Faith the evil vampire slayer in Buffy, I had many a Jizz Sunday watching those episodes. I would pay to watch this woman fart in a bath for 2 hours, then buy the extended directors cut with 10 mins unseen footage. Even with blurry CGI tits.

The film is a SyFi channel original film so it has to be taken on low budget TV standard terms. I enjoyed the film it had a certain style, the pace was OK, the acting for a TV movie was pretty good , Mike Vogel was in The Help (2011), Cloverfield (2008), & the pretty damn good The Deaths of Ian Stone (2007) The story was entertaing & the deaths were well constructed if a bit chid on the CGI front.

I've got wood

Turdige: Its pretty much the worst wish of all time I know hes a thick fucker but please, remember the monkey paw episode of the Simpsons:

I'll make a wish that can't backfire.  I wish for a turkey sandwich, on
   rye bread, with lettuce and mustard, and, I don't want any zombie
   turkeys, I don't want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any
   other weird surprises.  You got it?

Not bad.  Nice, hot mustard.  Good bread.  The turkey's a little dry.
   ---- The turkey's a little dry!

Time of the month

when taking any fucking wish that's what shes offering.
The CGI is pretty fuck awful as usual (the flying snake especially) but its expected.

Overall: Eliza Dushku I would watch her crap in a basket on a 8 hour episode of songs of praise. so 7's all round.

Director: Álvaro de Armiñán Cast: Eliza Dushku, Mike Vogel,Iman Nazemzadeh, Naike Rivelli, Lindsay Caroline

UKUSA Rent/Buy

Kill Katie Malone (2010)

Plot: Rule 6 if you buy a ghost over the internet get a receipt.
K.K.M - Staring Dean Cain well for about 5 minutes, Once destined for big things after playing 90s TV superman but that didn't work out too well especially judging by this. (It couldn't have been destiny then could it... gimp).

In the first minute his daughter tries to burn a wooden box and Cain is bitch slapped by the ghost.
That's just opening credit guff though, were interested (that's a stretch) in Jim, Kyle and ginger 3 college kids who bid on the very wooden box. Cains only selling on "youbid" what a git.

Now Ive bought stuff from the internet I regretted, a PS2 that didn't work and a ropey copy of Tiger Woods 2006 but Ive never bought a ghost like these cheeselickers. Bloody students money to burn.

Open up and say Ahhhhh

The box arrives, cue dramatic opening of box music, there's a locket with a picture in it. Strange things start to happen Kyle & ginger get small things they asked for but then things get crazy rooms get trashed, scrawling strange shit on the wall.

It seems they innocently wish for things to happen and they do in an extreme(ly bad) way. People die Gingers Hot roommate loses an arm and the Hulks son (Not Skaar) gets fucked up. The wall scrawl is Gaelic and says basically this is my family bitch whoever wants to break it up dies.

Trying to find more about the box Jim gets in touch with the rival bidder who warns him hes fucked and he also finds a hidden Katie Malone manual hidden in the box (which is useful).
Katie was a young Irish girl in 1800s who had been sent to America and sold, her life was awful she was abused and murdered. Now all she wants is a family.

Katie eventually makes an appearance but they couldn't even afford an Irish accent for her in this low budget effort.

Ginger Tats

Is it good: No but it is alright. I read a review that likened it to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, thats about right but a very humorless episode it has a TV feel about it and it moves along quite well. The story is intersting enough the script has some great lines even if some of them are unintentional as below.
"Somebody broke into our room & trashed up the place"
"my god were where you guys"
"In the room"
"How big is your dorm 100 square feet"
"It was dark and shit"
There's a couple of creepy moments and the pace moves up towards the end

Turdige: The acting is not great,Gingers hot roommate is probably the worst, also Ginger and Jim have the sexual tension of a field of turnips and when they finally get it on he just gips out to nothing it was all a bit embarrassing. However it must be difficult to try to react to nothing happening in a 2 foot dorm, there's not enough room for a poltergeist to swing a cat.

Don't make me angry, you wouldn't.....

The effects are, bad Sy Fy channel, weak. It's very difficult to effectively do poltergeist effects in broad daylight so why did they bother, the jogging tunnel bit was awesomely bad. There is a distinct lack of gore or nudity (Is this really a horror movie).

It must be the first film Ive seen were they tried to add tension by a credit card being declined "wait I'll get another card"
(Brewster Millions managed it with a receipt but that's classic comedy)

Overall: A frightening film if basically fuck all happening scares the shit out of you. Poor Mr Cain your time will come again. Its alright for a Sunday afternoon with a few creeps Buffy would have done this much better.

Director: Carlos Ramos Jr: Cast: Dean Cain, Stephen Colletti, Masiela Lusha, Johnathan McDaniels, Nick Hogan

UK Import onlyUSA

The Possession (2012)

Plot: Based on a true story, sure (In as far as someone somewhere may have bought a box once at a yard sale the rest is made up) Don’t be cynical it’s the Dybbuk box you fool. Instantly you know its bad news as somehow it beats up an old woman.

The woman admits defeat to be fair she’s been well twatted looking like a mummy covered in bandages so the family think fuck it lets sell it on. Emily or "Em" (Natasha Calis) is the unlucky young girl mysteriously drawn to the box with Hebrew writing. While out with her dad Clyde (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) and older sister Hannah (Madison Davenport) at the old woman’s yard sale they buy the seemingly unopenable box home.

The box seemingly affects the young girl making her ill, do bad things & generally be a pain in the arse. Try and take it away from her and she goes mental. All this is kind of written off as the family is breaking up & mum (the sexy but with a scraggy necked; Hannah (Madison Davenport) is involved with a new man.

Problems escalate and Clyde get fuckin freaked out by the weird shit going on in his house, hes convinced she is possessed & blames it on the box (Never hold up in court). The demon seems to get more powerful and cunning manipulating the family Clyde is implicated the dodgy subject of abuse.

Its a box

He looks into the history of the box and seeks out people who can help but can he even get to see his daughter let alone help her before the demon takes her soul?

Only the exorcising Jews can help.

Is it good: It’s ok? Nothing great but some good special effects. The hand in the mouth is very creepy, MRI scan. In fact the whole build up was creepy and darkly atmospheric; it does have a Sam Raimi feel about but watered down.

The house is new and seems kind of dark of soulless. Also the acting is much superior (especially Jeff) than a lot of possession exorcism films I’ve seen recently like the devil inside.

Fuck Vegetarianism

Turdige: There may be a lot of negative stuff I’m writing about the film but it wasn’t awful just average maybe even a little above, it annoyed me I’m not sure whether I expected too much from it. The advertising campaign was good with a great trailer but I don’t usually fall for that shit. Maybe I was just desperate to see a possession movie that wasn’t completely formulaic & ends with an exorcism. No such luck, but of course you are limited as it is a totally god honest TRUE STORY.

I saw the original tale on an episode to Ghost hunters or Ghost fuckers or something one of those ghost reality TV shows. So it must be real, it made people ill & black ghostly smoky blobs appeared, bloody terrifying those Jewish ghosts. It’s now buried in an undisclosed location (allegedly the Dybbuk box’s “owner” offered to send it to Sam Raimi & he said fuck no). I don’t want people to think I’m taking sides with bolloks made up religions but I was expecting something a bit different with the Jewish exorcists. No same old shit (I suppose Old Testament wise it is the same religion) but less this seemed less impressive than the catholic lot.

Extreme game of twister

The film is just not good enough it has a big budget (for a possession movie), proper actors unlike most of the films on this blog. Can it get away with being not very good just because it’s supposedly based on a true story & true life is dull. Shouldn’t be allowed.

The end becomes a bit of a farce like an old Benny Hill chase scene. Weird!!!

Overall: Worth watching especially if you haven’t watched many possession movies as it’s a lot more stylish and well made/acted than most, just nothing new I was somehow stupidly expecting (Actually I blame me)

Similar to: Exorcist (1973), Kill Katie Malone (2010), The Exorcism of Emily Rose (2005), Mirrors (2008)