The Woman (2011)
Plot: First impressions of The Woman (Cleaning a wound in a stream) shes a bit of a skank, on the hunt for something, all gammy teeth and psycho eyes. Killing whatever it is in a frenzy you wouldn't mess with this chick. All in all I'd do her.
A few miles but a world away the Cleek family are attending an all American BBQ, huge houses with massive gardens, children are playing in the pool, men are drinking beer and cooking meat. The Cleek's, Chris (Sean Bridgers) father & local lawyer a respectable member of the community, his wife Belle (Angela Bettis) and 3 kids, Peggy
(Lauren Ashley Carter), Brian (Zach Rand) & the youngster, Darlin.
On the surface the family seem respectable but then I'm sure some said
that about the West's.
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| Meet the Cleeks |
After the party Chris
goes hunting in the Woods spotting the Woman titass naked, cleaning
herself in the stream and eating raw fish, shes a wild one and hes
thinking I'll have a bit of that she'd look great in my shed. He sets
up the shed (Barn Cellar) for project mental case, getting the family
involved but gives them little indication of what will turn up. He goes
a hunting and nets the bitch: then surprise family I've chained a woman
in the cellar. Strangely rather than kick him in the nuts & run
off to the police they agree to his master plan of taming the bitch (Its
Gods work).
The more we see the family the similarities between the
parents and children become apparent. Brian is a nasty shit, wanting to
become the family rapist. Peggy is a withdrawn loner, slowly becoming as sub-servant as her mother to the men of the family and the fact that shes pregnant represents her turning into her mother. You can't keep a crazy bitch down & as woman all stick together it leads to an inevitable blood-lust of an ending.
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| Jesus has really let himself go |
Is it good: Yes. Another reversal film with the (normal) family kidnapping the psycho inbred nutter. Major horror/slasher films would beg for a family this naturally dysfunctional,
the story works because it takes some time to really see this, at first
you could almost be tricked into thinking he did want to "save" the woman & didn't just want a fuck puppet (Apart from the glint in his eye when he see's her tits) the story takes time to develop along with the characters and its all the better for it "the woman not really being the main focus of the film till the end, more the changing of the family due to her presence. There are genuinely unexpected twists towards the end (the 3 punch combo was just nasty). The gore and violence are well used also the quirky Indie rock soundtrack made it feel like an extremely fucked up version of Juno. The acting is pretty good, Sean Bridgers is like a substandard Bill Paxton (Not a bad thing he is the most underrated actor of all time) and the film is also a kind of fucked up version of Paxtons "Big Love". Strangely this film is also cheaper on Blu-ray than DVD which was a bonus.
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| There's a little something on your..... |
Turdige: Not really the films fault but there was a lot of controversy bollocks around the film is it a feminist film, is it an anti feminist film. Who cares its just a film you don't get wrapped up in deeper meanings its not Schindler's fucking List. For example say it depicts the man as strong brutal take what they want bastards and the women as repressed weak abused pathetic, until a true woman is unleashed who is more brutal and violent so feminism will win in the end. That is a stretch as I think it was written by men for a start. (In a world of 7 billion people who can say this isn't based on a true story nobody has heard)
There was no real clarity on whether the baby was her fathers and she was protecting her younger sister from a similar fate or whether even the Woman was an earlier sibling released into the wild.
Overall: A very very dark comedy, perhaps a little of the scale for some as various scenes do leave a bad taste (maybe not a first date movie). Perhaps leave this cannibal splatter Juno/Big Love movie till the 3rd date as a test.
D
irectors: Lucky McKee
Cast: Angela Bettis, Carlee Baker, Marcia Bennett, Pollyanna McIntosh, Sean Bridgers
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Stag Night (2008)
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| I'd leave it 10 mins if I was you love |
Plot: Pretty poor showing for a stag do, only 3 friends and one of them is his cock end of a brother Tony (Breckin Meyer) who gets them chucked out of a strip joint in the first 5 mins. Mike (Kip Pardue) isn't to fused though he'd rather be at home with his wife to be & baby. Carl (Scott Adkins) seems to be up for the party though and convinces Mike & Joe (Karl Geary) not to pussy out & go home. They travel across NY on the subway to party on....
Carl, the charmer spots 2 of the strippers on the train, trys his luck & scores so bellend Tony goes for her fit mate and succeeds in making her mace the whole carriage. Jumping off, half blind, when the train stops they get stuck as it fucks off without them.
Only Carl & stripper1 (Sarah Barrand) seem happy about this as they split of for a quicky. The rest of them including stroppy stripper2 (Vinessa Shaw) go off to get help.
Unfortunately for all of them the underground seems to be populated by mental cavemen like cannibal mutant killers (Aren't they all).
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| Don't worry I was in clueless |
Is it good: Yes, subways are a great setting for horror films. Quatermass and the Pit (1967) and An American Werewolf in London (1981) prove an underground setting works, as its a close, easily accessible place that, if closed of, could seem like a claustrophobic nightmarish world away from reality. It worked in Creep (2004) & it does in this as well. Forget about the limited crappy plot its just a set up for a very entertaining run, captured, tortured, killed, escape, run, kill etc..... movie. The gore level is high people chopped up and fed to dogs, heads rolling, guts everywhere, can't ask for more. The look of the cannibal freaks is great a kind of dirty Rob Zombie look gives of a sense that these fuckers mean business and the pace of the film means the action flows well, not stopping for big periods of time. Highly enjoyable and well acted (for what it is).
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| Not the best place to get your head down |
Turdige: Its not a found footage/POV style film so why the fucking need for the extreme shaky camera filming it really drags the movie down. Its more shaky than Area 407 (2012) at least that had the excuse of it being hand held camera footage. Its like the cameraman has Parkinson's, I'm sure the fucking thing gave me a tumor.
Scott Adkins is in a movie and he doesn't throw a single punch, the new mixed martial arts action star & they have him in it for his acting, just weird. I suppose you could ask why some cavemen like cannibals have managed to hook up cable TV to their trailer but when you open that up how can they kill anyone especially a cop and somehow be undiscovered, that's the reason you don't think too much about films, just understand its about as accurate as Braveheart and U-571 sit back relax & drink lots of beer.
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| Warning Negs at work |
Considering the women are strippers there is a distinct lack of nakedness, a tiny bit of tit.
Overall: A (maybe unintentional) reworking of the London underground horror Death Line (1972). If not for the pointless shaky cam it could have been a contender.
Director:Peter A. Dowling
Cast: Kip Pardue, Vinessa Shaw, Breckin Meyer, Karl Geary, cott Adkins, Sarah Barrand, Rachel Oliva
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Plot: Fuck knows. Time travel really screws you up 
Turdige: The low budget does show, not enough to spoil the movie but if you don't like the bottom end (no special effect kind of Sci Fi) give it a miss, but then your a idiot so who cares. The could be seen as a slightly confusing monotone talky kind of Sci fi. 
