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| Its a closet |
The Pact (2012)
Plot: Rule No7 Don't make pacts, fuckers hold you to them.
Nicole & Annie are sisters whose mother has recently died, neither of them really give a fuck (seems she was a bit of a shit). Nicole is manning up organising the funeral arrangements trying to persuade Annie to turn up, Annie's is a recovering Ex junkie skank, she seems to give even less of a fuck. Just when you're thinking this is some kind of Ken Loach social commentary piece. Nicole Skype's her daughter, struggling to get a good signal on the laptop she walks around the house, trying to talk to her "can you see mommy " her daughter says "yes mommy who's that behind you". A genuinely creepy as fuck moment (I'd already seen it in the trailer but I've seen it twice now and it still creeps me the out). Its a closet.
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| Smack my bitch up |
The house has a mysterious creepy closet and it may be eating people. Next day sister 2 turns up. The skanky bird turns out to be, hot as toast actress
Caity Lotz. Shes great and helps us out a lot by spending some time
in her skimpies (Is it wrong to perv at a girls ass when shes running
in terror frightened for her life).
Weird shit starts to happen in the House, ghostly spooky poltergeist stuff and dreams that seem to be leading her to something. A mystery needs solving who is the woman, what is Judas, what the fuck is going on? I know go to the police they should be able to help. The conversation probably went like this.
 |
| A bit of Closet action |
"why don't you believe me" "well because we just met & its fucking nuts you think just because you've got nice tits I'll believe anything you .......Oh alright I believe you".
Fortunately Casper Van Dien back from
his long tour of duty fighting the bugs for our freedom he seems to have
learned a bit of acting along the way and is no longer just a talking
cupboard. Hes a cop who helps her out along with a weird psychic friend Stevie.
The mystery evolves, is there an evil spirit in the house, is another spirit helping are they both trying to drive her insane, does it even exist. What is the connection to a serial killer from the past and who is the mysterious woman who keeps appearing
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| Do I have a nice Arse |
Is it good: Yes. It is a pretty good movie the acting is generally to a good standard, especially Stevie the weird psychic & the scene where she first goes to see Stevie with the loud industrial techno playing was a very trippy mindfuck. Plus the reading she does in the house was another genuine creepy moment.
The very human approach of the film adds to its appeal, family problems, repressed issues lead to some quite realistic scenes, she takes a piss on screen, its a natural bodily function that is rarely seen in movies unless its a comedy but then Chuck Berry got in trouble over that kind of filming so the director should watch out. The house is a creepy location that holds the story together well.
Turdige: There's a bit of smell the fart acting a times but nothing major even Casper Van Dien makes a descent effort (If you've ever seen any of his B-movie classics you would agree this is an amazing feat). The change of style from supernatural to natural enemy was a huge shift and makes you feel why does the spirit not fuck up the bad guy that was slightly disappointing & the reason it did not achieve, probably, a deserved higher score.
Overall: A nicely put together low budget supernatural thriller in the vain of Stir of Echos or the fuck Awful Dram House (but don,t let that put you off)
Director: Nicholas McCarthy
Cast: Caity Lotz, Casper Van Dien, Agnes Bruckner, Haley Hudson
Similar to: Stir of Echoes (1999) , Gothika (2003), The Return (2006)), Don't Look Now (1973)
UKDVD
Blueray
USA Buy/Rent$3.99
Cassadaga (2011)
Plot: Lily (Kelen Coleman) doesn’t have it easy, she’s a few lbs shy of being
Milla Kunis, she’s deaf and within 10 mins of the film her sister has become
roadkill.
There’s only one thing left to do, fuck off to Cassadaga
coincidently the self proclaimed “Psychic Capital of the World”.
Taking a job at a local school to fund a university
course she meets Mike
(Kevin Alejandro) a single father who seems to use his young daughter as bait
to lure in the ladies (dodgy). He takes
her on a date and what a date it is, forget the meal for two or a nice rom-com,
let’s get tanked up and go see a psychic medium. Not just any medium though a scientifically
tested one, you can tell they’re genuine as they have disabilities all the best
ones do (Stephen Hawkins and his Dark magic). Lily
hears her sister but the séance is interrupted by a dark presence that knocks
her & the medium unconscious. Sounds
like a bad night but it eventually gets him laid.
The presence attaches itself to her, manifesting as
rotten images and a dead girl who is pushing her to a stroke. The medium tells her it is a restless spirit
that will not leave till it gets what it wants and the more Lily denies the
sprit the more violent it will get eventually killing her.
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| Ghosts love tits |
This leads to a murder mystery to find who the
bitch is and what she god damn wants. Throw in a fucked up puppet obsessed serial
killer for added spice and you’ve got yourself a right pickle.
Is it good: Yes, the film flows well, story building with intrigue throughout the mystery;
the acting is good for an independent horror with no major stars, Kelen?? (Is
that a name) carries the film, maybe it’s the deaf thing, but I had empathy for
the character straight away, which always helps getting drawn into the
story.
The director Anthony DiBlasi made the low budget
Dread, a violent kind of disturbing, gem of a movie and this feel is fleshed
out with the serial killer element but the movie does have a more TV movie feel
in the whole.
I feel a bit guilty as Kelen, Is very attractive she’s in not fat but she does look like
Milla Kunis with a bit of chunk, in the tit department it’s all good.
The story is defiantly central
and strong throughout it doesn’t get lost (maybe a little sidetracked but not
lost) in horror or gore.
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| Miss Florida 2011 |
Turdige: There are definitely bits in the film where I think the director
forgets she’s deaf, like having the porn of the computer loud but not seeing
the images how would she know its porn.
Really; you have two people and you want to do a
Rear window type search of the suspected nutcases bedroom, when he could come
back at any moment who do you send, of course the deaf girl.
Perhaps it
tries to fit too much in, with four separate genres together, murder/mystery, ,
slasher, love story, haunting , maybe it sells them short not having enough
time to establish them all.
In fact they spend so long on the love story
(obviously some shit that slasher/ghost movie lovers can do without, jut show
us some flesh & we’re happy) that making it irrelevant at the end seemed a
pointless waste of time it being there in the first place. If he had returned because the love was too
great then maybe it would have made sense.
Cutting that shit out would have meant more time on
the other elements. Such as the killer "Gepetto" a great set up & seems a genuinely unique
creation (In the slasher vain I mean) definitely disturbing so deserved more
air time.
Overall: Similar
vain to the Pact 2019, the serial killer in this is more fucked up but the
ghost element in the pact way creepier.
Director: Anthony DiBlasi, Cast: Kevin Alejandro, Louise Fletcher, Kelen Coleman, Rus Blackwell, Lucius Baston
UK_DVD
USA_IMPORT_ONLY
The Traveller (2010)
Plot: Someone who looks like Val
Kilmer only fatter has mozzied on in a kind of Assault on precinct 13 style,
almost abandoned, police station at the festive period. He’s the scruff with no name “The Drifter”.
Confessing to the murder of six people but get
this the murders haven't happened yet.
The cops think he’s just a mental bellend but cuff him just in
case.
Under interrogation he’s one tough dude who may or
may not be reminiscent of a tramp they picked up a year earlier in connection
to the murder of the sergeants daughter, who they also may or may not have
FUBAR’d up the ass.
As his confessions inevitably lead to grisly bloody
deaths occurring the cops begin to believe there is an accomplice or is there more
to the creepy fucker than meets the eye.
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| Fatman Forever |
Is it good: Not really, but It does have its good points, when you feel drawn into
the character before generally deciding it’s just bollocks. The film sometimes has
a creepy feel, a gloomy atmosphere and some of the gore is well worked & kind
of extreme for what seems like a TV movie.
The tongue cutting scene really made me squirm.
Luckily I had zero expectations of the movie
before
watching having never heard of it, which helped; I certainly could not have
been let down. Honestly if you read
other reviews you couldn’t be let down they are all pretty much negative. I don’t think it’s that bad as most say (but
it certainly aint great).
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| Your gonna need a bigger gun |
Turdige: It’s unfair to criticise, everyone puts on a few pounds when they get
older, except for me but I’m probably dying from some undiscovered venereal wasting
disease.
It’s not unfair however to criticise
his mumbling shitty performance. Kilmer plays it like some tired, ironic dying
poet “confessing” with stories of how he murdered the six. Its a low but not his worst.
Kilmer must really hate Tom Cruise 20 years ago they
were almost at an even level, Cruise had Risky Business, Kilmer had Top
Secret!, Cruise had Legend, Kilmer had Willow. Even though Tommy boy was
gaining critical acclaim for Rain man, A Few Good Men & that soppy vampire
shit.
Kilmer was
holdings his own in Heat, playing Jim Morrison & Batman. It all went tits up for Kilmer in the mid
90s. Both of them stared in big screen
remakes of 60s TV series (both with dodgy rubber mask/disguises).
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| Anymore fat jokes Im going to eat you |
Unfortunately for Kilmer, while Cruise got Mission:
Impossible (1996) and along with it a multimillion dollar franchise that has
lasted 20 years Kilmer had the turkey fuck of a movie in The Saint (1997) which
not only nosedived his career but dragged Elizabeth Shue with him. “Even in Top Gun the little mad scientologist
shitbag got the lead” – (Genuine made up quote)
Overall: Not
terrible for a beyond the grave revenge story with a twisty little ending but
it could have been a looooooooot better if they didn’t hit you in the face with
a plot so fucking obvious and you have to trawl through it to get to a twist.
Director: Michael Oblowitz
Cast: Val Kilmer, Dylan Neal, Paul
McGillion, Camille Sullivan, Nels Lennarson.
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