IT'S A TRAP

Mindhunters (2004)

Plot: FBI profilers (Mindhunters) in training, obvious leader J.D. (Christian Slater), Cocky Lucas (Jonny Lee Miller), Sara (Kathryn Morris) and others are taken, by harsh, maverick style instructor Jake (Val Kilmer), to a training Island with its own deserted town, Utility works (where most of the action takes place).  The plan is to profile & catch a mock serial killer known as The Puppetmaster loose in the town. 

The team are made instantly uneasy by the addition of Gabe (LL Cool J) who gives them little information.  So my the time they reach the island conspiracy theories about his inclusion are rife this isn’t helped by the major mind fuck of intricate traps & tasks with fatal consequences picking of the Mindhunters one by one in increasingly ingenious ways. 

Extreme puppeteering

The fingers point in all directions, they get more & more paranoid.  They’re all profilers so they make assumptions about everything that happens, continually leading them to different suspects.  Early contenders are newbie Gabe or Jake but this is no training game.

Every attempt to call for help or escape the island leads to another trap

How well do they really know each other? can they really trust anyone? 

Cool laser blasters. Must have missed that bit

Is it good:  It’s pretty good.  Much better than the 25% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, that's harsh (It’s at least average tomato men) The cast has established actors Kilmer, Slater, Miller and Mama said knock you out if it isn’t LL Cool J. 

The film flows well and with a fair amount of action & tension to keep anyone entertained and there are enough twists, I genuinely couldn’t work out who was doing what till towards the end, which is rare and appreciated (Usually if a film does this it gives you no clues or brings in someone you’ve never seen before till the end).

Guy at the back Farted awkward.

Turdige: Although the acting is good the characters are very formulaic with obvious blatant, shout out, flaws that will be used against them (Caffeine, cigarettes, water) .   The cast outweighs the film really Kilmer & Slater are criminally underused Renny Harlin made Deep Blue Sea if that’s not too much of a clue why.  If you can get past the ridiculous opening trap/death on the Island (Just fuckin move dick head).

Overall:   More of a TV movie than Hollywood blockbuster but a descent stab at a mystery thriller with a nice serial killer twist, kind of like a TV lite SAW.  

Director: Renny Harlin Cast: Val Kilmer, LL Cool J, Christian Slater, Jonny Lee Miller, Kathryn Morris, Patricia Velásquez

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VIRUS ZOMBIE MOVIES

State of Emergency (2012)

Plot: We're in Montgomery county and there's some kind of emergency, Jim (Jay Hayden) and his sexy wife Emilie (McKenna Jones) are deep in the state of it.  They are running for their lives but at least they have each...Oh shes dead.  Nightmare, fortunately Jim doesn't dwell on this tragedy for more than 2 minutes and finds refuge in some horseless stables.   

Getting a old portable TV he picks up a signal lucky for us as hes not going to narrate the story for us.  An explosion at a chemical plant just outside town has led it too be, you see what looks like soldiers being attacked and gunfire (which he can hear outside), then the signal goes dead.  

After a zombie attack (because the stupid cunt left the gate unlocked) he feels a bit unsafe lucky for him he receives a mysterious phone call inviting him across the road to a warehouse with all the mod-cons of errr fuck all its empty, but he goes (company I guess) and meets up with a couple of other survivors  Scott his wife Julie and annoying (but not bad looking) loner Ix she greats him by threatening to cut is dick off in his sleep for accidentally eating a chocolate bar, 2 things come to mind either fuck her or throw her to the zombies as a offering/diversion or both .  

The infected at first just stand still creepily staring into space but when they go off they go big style all bloody eyed 28 days virus style zombies fast moving, retaining some intelligence and even at some times being manipulative. 

Fuckin paparazzi

It turns out Ix may not be a complete bitch after all, shes diabetic & low on insulin slipping into a coma, Jim being the semi hero he is, braves it and goes out to get some. 


Can he be the balsa wood hero or will the zombies eat his feet & make him try & moonwalk back. 
 
Is it good:  Its not bad at all, the acting is good (Apart from Jim who is a bit wooden unfortunately he is the main character).  The story is a basic good solid zombie tale there's plenty of tension & atmosphere to fill it.   The CGI head explosions work well.  The soundtrack is pretty decent with a industrial score.  There are some good lines in it too such as "Even in the Apocalypse shes got me doing chores" 

Run away

Turdige: Undoubtedly some people will be bored this is not 28 days Later (2002) its nowhere near [Rec] (2007),  its a simple, basic no frills relatively short zombie story & more story than action.  Simple choices piss me off when the helecopters come why did they not run to the roof instead of outside. The end..... with this kind of chemical accident military involvement you would expect some kind of conspiracy cover up or Crazies style slaughter but its just an end.  Not
 
Overall:   I like Zombie movies so I liked this , and I tell you, its a fuck load better than that Jack Reacher bullshit.  
 

 
Director: Turner Clay Cast: Jay Hayden, Andy Stahl, Tori White, Scott Lilly, Kathryn Todd Norman, McKenna Jones






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DARK COMEDY INBRED HILLBILLY HEAVEN

 Inbred (2011)


Plot: It's always been rumored that these were the ways of our cousins across the Pennines however I had just wrote that off as just Cricket banter until this highly accurate documentary was released showing the true horrors of Mortlake a remote Yorkshire village.  

The story revolves around two social workers taking 4 ungrateful toss-rags out to the Dales for a bit of community service and social bonding, cockney ball-bag, bumfluff, Arsonist & cute emo chick.  Jeff (James Doherty) the team leader who's a bit of geek gets a rough ride not only from the scrotes but also fellow social worker Kate (Jo Hartley) who tries the old if I slag him of as well I'll be popular.  

You should try this man, groovy

After doing pretty much fuck all they are taken to the pub for a treat (No doubt at tax payers expense).  The only pub in town (The Dirty Hole) is half 80s Woolpack half Slaughtered Lamb.  With no Coke on tap its homemade lemonade & Pork scratchings the kids obviously hate this & take the piss disrespecting the locals.  Fat Landlord Jim (Seamus O'Neill) doesn't seem to take it to heart but it think they may regret that before they get very much older.  

The next day after smashing some old trains for scrap and finding some dubious porn a confrontation with some locals fuckwits escalates well beyond their wildest nightmares into pain, torture, Vegerape and some creative deaths involving horses & ferrets.  You may even find out where the hairy Pork Scratchings came from.  

 

Leeds Rhinos Challenge cup 2012

Is it good:  Yes. The acting is spot on,  with a few regulars of UK TV & indie films Jo Hartley stars in a great new Yorkshire ghost movie  When the Lights Went Out (2012) and Dead Man's Shoes (2004).  The deaths were inventive which is defiantly required in movies like these as they can tend to be repetative (Vegerape was new to me).  On the whole the effects were a decent mix of gore & CGI gunshot/axe wounds (which were well synched with the live action).  A sharp Horror & black comedy mix following the classic Inbred, hillbilly themes (Including the classic Eby Eby gum song) and taking them to ridiculous comedy degrees, also loved the ending.  

and we will force you to listen to Def Leppard

Turdige: Do not be put off by the opening bad CGI & turn this off straight away, as it is not really part of the story (It will make sense after 5 mins) a friend of mine did, very impatient,  or dick head you decide.  It did descend into the League of Gentlemen for a while in the arena with Jim even blacking up "Papa Lazarou" style (but nowhere near the genuinely frightening as "Dave", "Dave", "Your my wife now Dave").  The story is also a bit aimless there was no real back-story to the village, Inbreds or the cottage they were staying at & as to why Jim kept dropping the glasses when Ravens-wood was mentioned. 
 
Overall:   There are no heroes in this film you cant really be fucked about a bunch of chavs, social workers or psycho hillbillies so just enjoy an inbred Yorkshire fantasy.  It had to lose some points for the League of gentlemenness it stole I swear to shit it would have got 9/10 (If you've never seen LoG why would you care).  Emerdales fucked, the Yorkshire Dales have eyes. 





Director: Alex Chandon Cast: Dominic Brunt, James Burrows, James Doherty, Jo Hartley, Neil Leiper, Seamus O'Neill






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