STITCHES (2012) MOVIE REVIEW

Stitches (2012)

Plot:  Stitches (Ross Noble) is a hopeless, debortched, foul mouthed, fuck friendly, scruffy down & out nerfherder of a clown.  We first see him back-scuttling some scrubber in his run down caravan, making him late for the day job he hates “children’s parties”,

Being children of the new millennium, the I want I want generation.  Nothing is good enough for these little fucks, especially not ropey old clown tricks. Unimpressed, Stitches is heckled into an “accident” involving a dishwasher and a knife through the head.  

Years later the kids are now leaving school and Tom (Tommy Knight) the English kid in an Irish town throws another party and all the kids from the original party are invited.  

Fuck its him again, pretend were not in 

As everybody knows dead clowns don’t sleep you just can’t get rid of the useless unfunny fucks.  The uninvited guest is intent on blood soaked, over the top awesome vengeance on the little bastards who killed him. 

           

Is it good:  Yes; this British/Irish slasher delivers both on comedy and gore.  Ross Noble the sometimes brilliantly surreal  Cramlingtainian comic puts in a great performance as the scruffy, fucked off, mumbling, killer clown.  Overall the acting is pretty good for  the budget, Tommy Knight (The Sarah Jane Adventures/Waterloo road)  gives a descent performance but wearing his unfortunately permanent beaker type frown he doesn’t seem to enjoy the role as much as the others, like Sarah  (Roisin Barron) relishes the role as the Sexy ginger bully bitch.

Cunt eyed cunt

Irish actors they seem to have a natural flair for talking shit onscreen much like ozzies it doesn’t seem forced like in low budget UK/USA films.

The deaths are simple, not exactly inventive, but every one of them had a little extra touch that made me smile (like the umbrella), the lack of CGI may cause some people issues but I think it added to the comedy value.  Certainly an impressive amount of gore just take the teacher cock ripping scene... brutal.   

It’s always difficult with slasher films the killer needs a spark, an energy or an iconic image, it makes the difference between a Kruger or a Voorhees and the shit one from Valantine (2001).  Stiches is not up there with the best but for a horror/comedy Conor McMahons (creator of the 10p zombie movie Dead Meat)  made a pretty good effort.  

Turdige: At times the film seems to be heading down a substandard inbetweeners route but just as you start to lose attention up pops a new death to cheer you up.   

Awww he just wants a cuddle

The end did venture into the territory of shit but it was over quick enough not to particularly care. 

 

Overall:   Maybe 8 is too high but I don’t have a 7 ½ score and can’t be arsed making one.  However its worth it for the tricycle alone. Like an Irish version of Hatchet (2006) (low budget slasher/horror/comedy with buckets of blood) Sit back crack open a few beers “Everybody happy?”  

 

Director: Conor McMahon Cast: Ross Noble, Tommy Knight, Gemma-Leah Devereux , Thommas Kane Byrne, Eoghan  McQuinn, Roisin Barron

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CLASSIC SLASHERING

Alice, Sweet Alice (Communion) (1976)

Plot: In a rundown neighbourhood, New Jersey, Karen (A very young Brooke Shields) is preparing for her first holy communion.  Older sister Alice (Paula Sheppard) is jealous of the attention Karen tries to spoil things for her, threatening her and locking her in a room of an abandoned warehouse while wearing a raincoat and fucking creepy plastic mask.  

Err Guilty

 The day of the communion Karen is brutally killed in the church during the ceremony and because Alice takes her place wearing her veil, the suspicions falls on the deeply troubled child, especially from her aunt Annie (Jane Lowry) who really fucking hates her niece.  After she is attached by the masked psycho this escalates. 

Their mother Catherine (Linda Miller) is traumatised by the death of her youngest but she and her husband Dom (Niles McMaster) refuse to believe Karen is responsible and Dom investigates the murder. 

It doesn't help that Alice is a mental bitch spends her days killing little animals and putting curses on people, throw in a obese potential peado landlord and we have a messed up situation going on. 

I'm looking for Donald Sutherland

Is it good:  Yes, A low budget but high value thriller/horror/slasher.  It isn’t a true slasher film in the sense of say Black Christmas but you can see how the cold silent knife wielding, mask wearing, killer would have an influence on the genre.  Paula Sheppard (Although strangely 19 at the time playing a 12 year old) is brilliant as the disturbed Alice, giving a believable performance. 

All of the actors put up good performance especially Alphonso (Alphonso DeNoble) as the fat perverted landlord. 

The subject matter is disturbing both the murder of a small child and that it’s potentially by her own sister.   

Turdige: Although the acting is good the screaming seems fake especially the mother it gets on your tits but this is a staple of 70s films they all seem like this.  

Some people would say it has ripped chunks out of the superior Don't Look Now (1973) mainly the iconic, creepy rain coated small people (Its yellow completely different) but don’t let it put you off.

  

If a fuckin dog can win BGT so can I

I watched this film when I was very young (probably a bit too young) and the stairwell scene scared the shit out of me I had nightmares of a knife through the foot for years (I still look around now when I walk down one).  Later I actually forgot about this movie and thought it was a scene from Don't Look now, so when I watched that again I thought I had dreamt it.  

It was only when I had no internet and blockbuster had gone bust I was going through my sisters DVD collection.  I by by-passed the even more terrifying Mamma Mia & found this played it and I wasn’t mad after all, Now that shit anecdote is out of the way.......  

Overall:   A little known Horror masterpiece. suspense and atmosphere to spare.  Don’t miss out watch it. 

Director: Alfred Sole Cast: Linda Miller, Mildred Clinton, Paula E. Sheppard, Niles McMaster , Jane Lowry, Brooke Shields

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Slice em up - Slasher Movies

Venom (2005)


Plot: A car accident that leads to the death of a Voodoo priestess who's unfortunately just dug up & is trying to transport (for a reason never revealed) a suitcase full of sucked out evil souls in the form of dodgy CGI snakes.  She is pointlessly saved from her car dangling over the side of a bridge (Since she dies anyway) by big redneck trucker Ray (Rick Cramer) as he attempts to retrieve the suitcase the car falls into the swamp and Ray drowns while being bitten by the snakes.

The town seems to consist be lacking in people, only a rapper Method Man (Deputy Turner) a few Jailbait scrubbers Patty (Davetta Sherwood) and Tammy (Bijou Phillips), Rays bastard son Sean (D.J. Cotrona), some cock, Ricky (Pawel Szajda) and at first glance the heroes of the film CeCe (Meagan Good) as the voodoo granddaughter, Rachel (Laura Ramsey) a wannabe doctor who wants out of the town and Eric (Jonathan Jackson) the dude Rachael has just dumped in order to fuck off from the swampy shithole. 


From that you can probably work out the order they die, or you could if this wasn’t a slasher with a difference.  Ray returns from the grave a super voodoo  powered zombie fuck, able to kill cocky teenagers with a single twatting of a crowbar.  Filled with the power of 13 evil souls can the kids stay alive long enough,  if only there was a guy called Gerald to battle Voodoo Ray (madchester joke).   

Not that Venom

Is it good: Yes, at first look and the plot above you would be mental to watch this shit but it works?  It helps if you’re a slasher fan like me obviously, but it does have an accessible feel to the movie much like the 90s slasher films Scream (1996) and I know what you did last summer (1997) Kevin Williamson writer/producer & Director  Jim Gillespie were involved in those films. 

or that Venom

For a pretty unknown straight to DVD film it has high production values none of your found footage shaky cam crap.

Venom has a decent level of gore, some inventive deaths, the acting is ok and the introduction of a new villain is always good.

I did like the way it wasn’t just a slasher but added the supernatural element in to make Ray seem unstoppable and the use of the truck as a weapon, great stuff. 

The using someone as a makeshift voodoo doll was brilliant but they could have made it really messy to get the most out of it.

Jesus Christ Superstar

Turdige: Not exactly a brutal slasher, the movie is too polished, cleaned up for the teen market, not an unrated video nasty like the early 80s slashers.  So the gore level, which lets face it, is the big draw in a supernatural slasher flick is lacking.

Screaming that will help

Also why the fuck when Ray was hit or shot did he keep doing a reverse star jump, weird.  The film was absolutely panned by critics and an 8% rating on rotten tomatoes is not good so I could be wrong, but what the fuck do they know

Overall:   On the whole a basic by the numbers slasher but with a supernatural voodoo twist thrown in for a bit of variety.   

Director: Jim Gillespie Cast: Agnes Bruckner, Jonathan Jackson, Meagan Good, Bijou Phillips, Method Man

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NOT YOUR USUAL SPLATTER FEST

Babysitter Wanted (2008)

Plot: Angie (Sarah Thompson) a naive, seemingly innocent, religious newbie collage girl, has some challenges ahead not only is her roommate a stoner, slacker, waster, whore who seems to have lost her bed.  She has picked up a big lump of a stalker within hours of being a student.    

A girl has gone missing so Angie is nervous of the mysterious attention but some reassurance from the police and a new fella put her slightly at ease.  

Needing some cash but not wanting to whore herself out like her roommate (thats purely speculation), she picks up an add for Babysitter Wanted (coincidence its what the film is called).  

The family seem nice with a shy kid but the house is remote, a ranch in the middle of nowhere and when the parents leave for the night the noises and phone calls begin.  Is it the hulking, scarred stalking stranger or is there a more sinister/supernatural plot underway. 

10 years younger, extreme edition

Is it good:  Yes, Not your average everyday slasher/splatter film.  A little deviation from the classic rules, which is always good to see.  Its the story/plot that sets it apart, the atmosphere, not the production values, gore which are all low budget.  The acting is pretty good Sarah Thompson (Who Ive only ever seen as Eve in Angel about 10 years ago) is pretty convincing as the innocent 18 year old collage girl (even though she was about 30 at the time) turned ass kicker.  Also Bruce Thomas, he plays it like Bruce Campbell lite. (He did play a mini Ash in Army of Darkness (1992) so it must have gone to his head).   

Scruffy bitch

The film took me by surprise.  I watched it on a freeview channel on a Tuesday night so expect some cheesy TV thriller so was happy to see it could be a slasher film I had not heard of.  The plot took a route that made the film quite gripping too watch.   It also had some good dark humor which was a nice touch, the killers conversation with the gagged victim is weirdly brilliant like he was at a family BBQ.

Turdige: The film is low budget but even so the gore level could have been much better.  Its impressive its action and execution but the flesh looks plastic and most of it is off screen.

As Ive bigged the film up please don't be expecting to watch a genius unknown Halloween or you'll be pissed off.    

The phone calls make no sense???? Please explain?? 
 
Overall:   A pretty good low budget splatter movie with a twist, a bigger budget and more conviction in the action it could have been great (maybe)  Well worth watching. 

 Directors: Jonas Barnes, Michael Manasseri Cast: Sarah Thompson, Bruce Thomas, Tina Houtz, Nana Visitor, Jillian Schmitz,Matt Dallas 





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