10 Pint Movies: STITCHES (2012) MOVIE REVIEW

Stitches (2012)

Plot: Stitches (Ross Noble) is a hopeless, debortched, foul mouthed, fuck friendly, scruffy down & out nerfherder of a clown. We first see him back-scuttling some scrubber in his run down caravan, making him late for the day job he hates “children’s parties”,

Being children of the new millennium, the I want I want generation. Nothing is good enough for these little fucks, especially not ropey old clown tricks. Unimpressed, Stitches is heckled into an “accident” involving a dishwasher and a knife through the head.

Years later the kids are now leaving school and Tom (Tommy Knight) the English kid in an Irish town throws another party and all the kids from the original party are invited.

Fuck its him again, pretend were not in

As everybody knows dead clowns don’t sleep you just can’t get rid of the useless unfunny fucks. The uninvited guest is intent on blood soaked, over the top awesome vengeance on the little bastards who killed him.

Is it good: Yes; this British/Irish slasher delivers both on comedy and gore. Ross Noble the sometimes brilliantly surreal Cramlingtainian comic puts in a great performance as the scruffy, fucked off, mumbling, killer clown. Overall the acting is pretty good for the budget, Tommy Knight (The Sarah Jane Adventures/Waterloo road) gives a descent performance but wearing his unfortunately permanent beaker type frown he doesn’t seem to enjoy the role as much as the others, like Sarah (Roisin Barron) relishes the role as the Sexy ginger bully bitch.

Cunt eyed cunt

Irish actors they seem to have a natural flair for talking shit onscreen much like ozzies it doesn’t seem forced like in low budget UK/USA films.

The deaths are simple, not exactly inventive, but every one of them had a little extra touch that made me smile (like the umbrella), the lack of CGI may cause some people issues but I think it added to the comedy value. Certainly an impressive amount of gore just take the teacher cock ripping scene... brutal.

It’s always difficult with slasher films the killer needs a spark, an energy or an iconic image, it makes the difference between a Kruger or a Voorhees and the shit one from Valantine (2001). Stiches is not up there with the best but for a horror/comedy Conor McMahons (creator of the 10p zombie movie Dead Meat) made a pretty good effort.

Turdige: At times the film seems to be heading down a substandard inbetweeners route but just as you start to lose attention up pops a new death to cheer you up.

Awww he just wants a cuddle

The end did venture into the territory of shit but it was over quick enough not to particularly care.

Overall: Maybe 8 is too high but I don’t have a 7 ½ score and can’t be arsed making one. However its worth it for the tricycle alone. Like an Irish version of Hatchet (2006) (low budget slasher/horror/comedy with buckets of blood) Sit back crack open a few beers “Everybody happy?”