10 Pint Movies: BRITISH/IRISH SLASHER FILMS

Demons Never Die (2011)

Plot: Amber (Tulisa ofa the X.Factor) takes the Drew Barrymore roll in the opening credits of this British Scream with suicidal kids. The death, multiple stab wounds to the stomach, all guts and blood is unbelievably chalked of as suicide (I thought suicide was supposed to be painless).

A group of suicidal kids aren’t happy, she’s stolen their thunder but what the hell let’s do it anyway “suicide pact” YAY. All going the same collage you would think they would be friends, you know things in common and all that.

They only speak online, talking of how/where/when to do it. All seem suicidal for the usual unimportant, irrelevant, boring teenage issues. I'm too fat, I'm too thin, I'm unpopular, I’m gay, nobody loves me (its weird how people with irrecoverable cancer want to live). Fuckers probably watch way too much Hollyoaks.

Misery Loves company

meeting in real life to plan a big send off; deciding to do it at the party, Ashleigh (Shanika Warren-Markland) is throwing.

The kids are a mixture of fuck ups there’s the Irish bloke from Misfits Archie (Robert Sheehan). Who is infatuated by sexy Goth Jasmine (Jennie Jacques), talkative psycho Kenny (Jason Maza) who wants everyone to kill themselves and film it, happy eater James (Jack Doolan), gay bloke Cain (Femi Oyeniran) & stoner Ricky (Jacob Anderson).

Unfortunately blonde cutie Samantha (Emma Rigby) is the next to get hit. Again repeatedly, viciously, stabbing herself in the stomach, obviously a copy-cat suicide???

The Last supper with morons

Reflecting on these deaths away from Kenny’s influence the group bond, Jasmine & Archie fall for each other and they all eventually decide “Hey let’s give this life thing a chance”. Fuckin Hippies. This would be a beautiful ending but we’re not even half way through and they don’t know there’s a crazed killer on the loose.

They’re all in the frame as having issues that randomly get dropped in the story line. Her mum was nuts, he has a knife, etc...

Will any of them survive the weekend; I tell you I defiantly wouldn’t pick up a camera and start filming yourself in night-vision “found footage style” too late?

Is it good: ???. How could a film with Radio 1 DJs, Hollyoaks bird & the scrubbed up skank from NDubs in the cast could it be anything other than shite, well it’s not as bad as you would think, seriously it couldn’t be.

The film had a relatively small budget £900,000 but the cast is pretty good Sheehan is a TV regular and has stared in the high budget, but fuck awful Season of the Witch,

Front towards enemy, Doh!

The music is also much better than you would expect. Including chase & status Blind Faith. The slasher part of the film was good; it’s your basic person?? In a mask with a knife but not something you see much of in Brit flicks. I think it’s defiantly worth more than the 13% on Rotten Tomatoes

The cleavage count is high Tulisa (Who’s gives a longer BJ than acts in this), Emma & Jennie, it’s a very impressive effort but they could have done more it’s a slasher film for god’s sake, release the beasts.

Turdige: The story believe it or not was too farfetched (get away). Horrific multiple stab wounds to the stomach self inflicted?? Someone would have noticed, we may not have CSI or Bones but we do have a certain level of forensics in the UK. (You shouldn’t let these things get to you as it’s just a Slasher flick but it just sits there at the back of your mind and half way through you shout at the TV “As if, fucking stupid movie” and throw your can at the TV, well you do if your drunk). The whole suicidal tendencies part of the film could have worked if the killer had attempted to make the deaths look anything like suicides.

The coppers (the only 2 in London) are a weak link in the acting, it’s probably Reggie Yates fault but we’ll let him off he is a DJ.

Smell my glove

The general theme in the film is get offline, go out and play make friends in the real world and you won’t want to kill yourself. (Kind of like Lesbians just need cock & they will be cured) I think life can be a little more complicated but hey, what does it matter some psycho fuck will kill you anyway catch 22.

The final reveal may have tidied up a tiny, not seemingly relevant side story with the teacher but it was like a different movie you could have actual made a half decent thriller/slasher film if it was from their point of view kind of like 8MM. As it was it was all a bit too quick and pointless. Could be due to filming the whole thing in only 18 days?

Overall: I’d watch it (I did, twice). It’s kind of like Chatroom (2010) but a step up with the added serial killer element. Everything was there but it just wasn’t put together all that well could have really done with more psycho humour from the underused Jason Maza..

Director: Arjun Rose Cast: Robert Sheehan, Jennie Jacques, Jacob Anderson, Jason Maza, Emma Rigby. Ashley Walters, Reggie Yates and Tulisa Contostavlos

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Stitches (2012)

Plot: Stitches (Ross Noble) is a hopeless, debortched, foul mouthed, fuck friendly, scruffy down & out nerfherder of a clown. We first see him back-scuttling some scrubber in his run down caravan, making him late for the day job he hates “children’s parties”,

Being children of the new millennium, the I want I want generation. Nothing is good enough for these little fucks, especially not ropey old clown tricks. Unimpressed, Stitches is heckled into an “accident” involving a dishwasher and a knife through the head.

Years later the kids are now leaving school and Tom (Tommy Knight) the English kid in an Irish town throws another party and all the kids from the original party are invited.

Fuck its him again, pretend were not in

As everybody knows dead clowns don’t sleep you just can’t get rid of the useless unfunny fucks. The uninvited guest is intent on blood soaked, over the top awesome vengeance on the little bastards who killed him.

Is it good: Yes; this British/Irish slasher delivers both on comedy and gore. Ross Noble the sometimes brilliantly surreal Cramlingtainian comic puts in a great performance as the scruffy, fucked off, mumbling, killer clown. Overall the acting is pretty good for the budget, Tommy Knight (The Sarah Jane Adventures/Waterloo road) gives a descent performance but wearing his unfortunately permanent beaker type frown he doesn’t seem to enjoy the role as much as the others, like Sarah (Roisin Barron) relishes the role as the Sexy ginger bully bitch.

Cunt eyed cunt

Irish actors they seem to have a natural flair for talking shit onscreen much like ozzies it doesn’t seem forced like in low budget UK/USA films.

The deaths are simple, not exactly inventive, but every one of them had a little extra touch that made me smile (like the umbrella), the lack of CGI may cause some people issues but I think it added to the comedy value. Certainly an impressive amount of gore just take the teacher cock ripping scene... brutal.

It’s always difficult with slasher films the killer needs a spark, an energy or an iconic image, it makes the difference between a Kruger or a Voorhees and the shit one from Valantine (2001). Stiches is not up there with the best but for a horror/comedy Conor McMahons (creator of the 10p zombie movie Dead Meat) made a pretty good effort.

Turdige: At times the film seems to be heading down a substandard inbetweeners route but just as you start to lose attention up pops a new death to cheer you up.

Awww he just wants a cuddle

The end did venture into the territory of shit but it was over quick enough not to particularly care.

Overall: Maybe 8 is too high but I don’t have a 7 ½ score and can’t be arsed making one. However its worth it for the tricycle alone. Like an Irish version of Hatchet (2006) (low budget slasher/horror/comedy with buckets of blood) Sit back crack open a few beers “Everybody happy?”