10 Pint Movies: January 2013

Thursday 31 January 2013

IRON MAN 3 NEWS, COMPLAINTS & GENERAL MOANING

IRON MAN 3

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After the unexpected mega success of Iron Man (2008), lets face it without that The Avengers (2012) would never have been green lit for production.

The overall turdness of Iron man 2 (2010) was a big let down so we are looking for a big improvement this time round.

The signs are good, trailer looks smart but don't they all. Shane Black Directing: (Lethal Weapon (1987) The Last Boy Scout (1991) Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005) ) So we can expect Shit loads of action and snappy dialog (He may have had writing credit on IM2 but we will forget that)

I Hate Iron Man

Guy Pearce & Ben Kingsley taking up the bad guy mantel the acting level has been knocked up a notch, so Jr doesn't have to hold the fort on his own.

Shows that the Type of villain is important with the 1st film you had Obadiah Stane who, even though the continuity had been changed, had a huge story arc in the comic with one of the greatest ever Iron man stories ending with the Iron Monger battle in #200. (Which I hope isn't worth any money as I dropped it in the toilet when I was a kid). It helped that Jeff Bridges is a fucking great actor as well.

Iron man 2 had a bloke with whip's, forget about it, it did have War Machine

This time round there's the Mandarin, basically Iron Mans Arch Nemesis (Fin Fan Foom is that's too daft a name for cinema) this means 100s of stories & years of character development available to write a convincing script around. So roll on May (or April 26 as it has been reported to be released in UK week early???).

Sunday 27 January 2013

MOVIE NEWS, COMPLAINTS & GENERAL MOANING

The laziness of Hollywood

So the Hollywood default button has been pressed & JJ.Abrams will direct the new Star Wars Episode VII.

Should anyone really complain about this as he is the most imaginative and creative Alist director of the moment. Well unfortunately the moment doesn't last, you only have to look at George Lucas for that.

With the might of Disney behind him Abrams will have more money to play with than your average middle eastern dictator, but he may not be able to fully use it as he would like. He can have all the complete creative control clauses in his contract he likes (I'm sure that is why he's taken his time confirming and even publicly rejecting the offer last year) but this is Disney and you don't fuck with Mickeys brand.
I wouldn't be suprised to see him leave the "Project" early (He will take millions from them whatever the outcome so its Win/Win really)

I'm in no doubt we wont be bored shitless with trade embargoes and senate hearings like the appalling Phantom Menace and Star Trek was an awesome film.

There are some things to consider.

Although Star Trek was great it managed this from (lets face it) a brilliant move, to completely write off 40 years of Star trek by re-writing its history. Time travel had been used frequently in the franchise but with one swift (Opening credits) move he made it possible to restart from scratch (Obviously with some boundaries). Virtually destroying the federation especially the Vulcan's and changing the dynamic between Kirk & Spock. It was more than a reboot it was a recreation. Errr it did also have a great story and cast as well I suppose.

With Star Wars VII he will not be able to just tweak already very established/well known characters he will truly have to start from scratch as we assume it will be set decades after Jedi so new characters will have to be created for the new range toys plus a long drawn out good Vs evil saga. However with the new characters he will have to keep the feel of a Star Wars film.

Star Trek worked the first time but the true test will be Star Trek Into Darkness (2013) it may just turn back to the same old shit. This seems to have happened with James bond after a successful reboot with Casino Royale (2006) we had to put up with the dreadful Quantum of Solace (2008) and I may be on my own with this as it was the most successful film of 2012 but by the end of Skyfall (2012) we may as well be back in the 60s, the pointless banter with moneypenny, dodgy villains with blonde wigs and the new/old M.

On a personal level I hated Mission: Impossible III (2006) it was pants. I much preferred Ghost Protocol (2011) which he may have been involved with (producer) but he didn't Direct. It seems he is still tied up with both the Star Trek & Mission Impossible franchises, even if this is to a lesser extent it will be at the same time 2014/15.

Millennium Falcon Farts are deadly

Should Hollywood have given its golden goose to someone with this much work on his table. Would it not have been better to choose someone who could invest their whole time building a new legacy. (As we know at the end of Jedi, the Empire had been defeated the Sith were dead leaving an army of clones with no leadership).

He may be hollywoods golden boy but this doesn't guarantee success. We've seen when shit like this goes wrong before look at when Andre Villas-Boas took over Chelsea or when Fernando Torres moved to Chelsea, oh wait that's football, how about when John Woo took over the Mission Impossible mantel.

Its easy to slag of a choice but who should it have gone to. To be honest Fuck knows, Ben Afflecks name was mentioned and although it makes me vomit a little when Ben Affleck & Star Wars is mentioned there is no doubt he has developed into a very good Director.

Duncan Jones Moon (2009) was also in the frame (allegedly) but I think Guillermo del Toro was a good shout (He didn't want it but is that because they said "Do one. We don't want any clock work shit in this movie"). Perhaps its time to hand over to a totally new generation to go down the Halo - Mass Effect route and leave it in their messed up hands (These are now the biggest franchises on the planet). Ah forget it can't wait it will be awesome.

Saturday 26 January 2013

IT'S A TRAP

Mindhunters (2004)

Plot: FBI profilers (Mindhunters) in training, obvious leader J.D. (Christian Slater), Cocky Lucas (Jonny Lee Miller), Sara (Kathryn Morris) and others are taken, by harsh, maverick style instructor Jake (Val Kilmer), to a training Island with its own deserted town, Utility works (where most of the action takes place). The plan is to profile & catch a mock serial killer known as The Puppetmaster loose in the town.

The team are made instantly uneasy by the addition of Gabe (LL Cool J) who gives them little information. So my the time they reach the island conspiracy theories about his inclusion are rife this isn’t helped by the major mind fuck of intricate traps & tasks with fatal consequences picking of the Mindhunters one by one in increasingly ingenious ways.

Extreme puppeteering

The fingers point in all directions, they get more & more paranoid. They’re all profilers so they make assumptions about everything that happens, continually leading them to different suspects. Early contenders are newbie Gabe or Jake but this is no training game.

Every attempt to call for help or escape the island leads to another trap

How well do they really know each other? can they really trust anyone?

Cool laser blasters. Must have missed that bit

Is it good: It’s pretty good. Much better than the 25% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, that's harsh (It’s at least average tomato men) The cast has established actors Kilmer, Slater, Miller and Mama said knock you out if it isn’t LL Cool J.

The film flows well and with a fair amount of action & tension to keep anyone entertained and there are enough twists, I genuinely couldn’t work out who was doing what till towards the end, which is rare and appreciated (Usually if a film does this it gives you no clues or brings in someone you’ve never seen before till the end).

Guy at the back Farted awkward.

Turdige: Although the acting is good the characters are very formulaic with obvious blatant, shout out, flaws that will be used against them (Caffeine, cigarettes, water) . The cast outweighs the film really Kilmer & Slater are criminally underused Renny Harlin made Deep Blue Sea if that’s not too much of a clue why. If you can get past the ridiculous opening trap/death on the Island (Just fuckin move dick head).

Overall: More of a TV movie than Hollywood blockbuster but a descent stab at a mystery thriller with a nice serial killer twist, kind of like a TV lite SAW.

Director: Renny Harlin Cast: Val Kilmer, LL Cool J, Christian Slater, Jonny Lee Miller, Kathryn Morris, Patricia Velásquez

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GODDAMN SHIT SUCKING VAMPIRES

Look into my eyes

Why does nobody love me

Vampires; desperately need a Re-Vamp (PTP) after being brutally dry B.F'd by the (talc) Twilight bullshit. How do you make the most vicious supernatural killing machine in history camp, make it sparkle, like putting Satan in a Tutu.
I’m sure they will bounce back though, Vampire stories have been terrifying people for thousands of years, in almost every civilisation there has been some form of blood sucking demon. Bram Stokers Dracula gave people the blue print for the Vampire, and 2 movies based on the text gave the look. Bela Lugosi in Dracula (1931) is the classic Vampire look everybody defaults too in all kinds of movies, Halloween parties, cartoons pretty much everywhere and Nosferatu (1922) (Obviously based on Dracula but denied/names changed to avoid legal action) gave us a more demonic/animalistic look (most notably fangs) used in films like 30 Days of Night (2007) & when vampires in movies mutate or errrrr flip out.

Vampire films have always been around from the early 1900s cinema Vampire of the Coast (1909) is credited as the first, The Vampire's Trail (1910) was another of many early Vampire films.
The long series of Hammer films throughout the 60s/70s which I grew up watching endless repeats of in the 80s, with Christopher Lee taking up the classic Dracula look, but adding the missing fangs, first in Dracula (1958) Dracula gets remade once a generation (so we are probably due another one) Francis Ford Coppola’s filmed a terrific version in the 90s.

Also in the 90’s Anne Rice was convinced Tom Cruise would ruin her Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles (1994), in the end it was alright but the end summed that whole movie up for me, Christian Slater is listening to the interview on his car stereo & Cruise pops up in the back saying “he always was a moaning fucker” (or something like that, perhaps not a direct quote) That’s exactly right it was Brad Pitt moaning “oh no I’m immortal super powerful good looking fucker boo hoo”, for 2 hours.

If Only

I see she said fuck all about Queen of the Damned (2002) but then she probably didn’t watch it like everyone else (Apart from me, anyone want to buy it, 50p VHS).

People have also associate vampires as a romantic fantasy as in gothic horrors and the fuck awful Twighlight series but also “sexy time”, from the weird Lesbian sub-genres of Hammers Karnstein Trilogy, to the goddamn awesome nakedness of Mathilda May in Tobe (Texas Chain Saw Massacre) Hoopers Lifeforce (1985) & of course the Vampire slaying Buffy. Also women seem to like these dead blokes too (bloody necrophiliac’s).

Pink eye

Vampire comedies sometimes worked from The Fearless Vampire Killers (1967) to Love at First Bite (1979), Once Bitten (1985) and the not at all funny Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), there were those that took it a step up Fright Night (1985), The Lost Boys (1987) & From Dusk Till Dawn (1996) mixed action, horror & comedy creating something really cool.
Different takes on the Vampire turn up every now and then, like when Nic cage wasn’t a useless A list Muppet he overacted impressively in Vampire's Kiss (1989) a movie in the same vain as Martin (1976) are they Vampires or just deluded mencs.

You wanna see me sparkle bitch

The rules are if you want to make a great film either employ Bill Paxton or Lance Henriksen, if you want to make it fucking perfect cast them together like in Aliens, Terminator and of course Near Dark (1987) a hardcore vampire film that showed vampires as vicious nasty twats rather than romantic Gothic cheese fucks, like the more animalistic viciousness of 30 Days of Night (2007)

Strangely the Vampire killer, in the a lot of these movies, even though they had a pivotal role and really should be the hero were kind usually bland forgettable characters & almost classed as the bad guys who disposed of the more interesting focus of the movie. Van Helsing was the classic nemesis of Dracula, he was alright, eventually getting his own movie. Van Helsing (2004)

Slay me Please

The frog brothers from Lost Boys showed that the Vampire killers could possibly carry a film & Joss Wheton turned cheerleader Buffy into a vampire slayer, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992). The film & later TV series proved. Yes, the vampires didn’t have to be the focus of the film & that I could keep Kleenex in business. Later Blade (1998) took Marvels little known Vampire slaying superhero to the world but apart from the opening scene it was a little weak, Guillermo del Toro ramped this up with Blade II (2002) a much better film.   Del Toro’s earlier vampire movie Cronos (1993) had a interesting take on the Vampire myth with the mainstay of the movie being a vampyiric device that infected people.



In recent years Let the Right One In (2008) and its unusually, not at all bad, American remake has shown you can still put an interesting spin on the vampire story.

Blue steel

The Asian film maker have been doing kung Fu horror films for decades but it really kicked in with , Sammo Hungs Encounters of the Spooky Kind (1980), this kind of film was perfected in without a doubt the greatest Vampire movie of all time is Mr. Vampire (1985) what more could you want than a vampire ghost kung fu horror comedy. It took a time for Hollywood to catch up but as always they did with the already mentioned Blade & Buffy/Angel franchises employing martial arts skills into there heroes, this may have gone to far with the pretty ok but with terrible sequels Underworld (2003) and the appalling Ultraviolet (2006).
So heres some reviews of vampire films you may not have heard of....

Sort of good guy vamps

(2010)

Chinese jumping Vampires awesome







Got Vampires Who you gonna call. Fuck Blade

Friday 18 January 2013

TIME SHIT

Primer (2004)

Plot:   Fuck knows. Time travel really screws you up
A couple of engineers working for "the man", decide to invent something & make some real cash, Aaron (Shane Carruth) & Abe (David Sullivan) work on a machine to make things weigh less than they should. The machine seems to work however the field it creates disrupts time around the object as well as mass. In a very small amount of time & experimentation, considering the immenseness of their discovery, it is transformed into a working time machine. Time waits for no man I guess.

As its on a budget of $7k this time machine is no TARDIS or DeLorean its a box, crawl in it one end come out in the past at the other.

I think it works like so. (Rules there's always rules)....

Set the machine running for a given length of time
Leave the building so as not to bump into your self
At that point the future you will exit the machine.
Go off & study some shit to take back in time & earn big ££££££
Go back to the machine & get in it to go back in time
So during the time when the machine is running you will be both learning the stuff to make you rich & putting it into practice as 2 separate people in 2 separate places & I guess a third you will also be in the machine going backwards.

Or something like that (Who the fuck am I Anne Frank I don't know)
Like any good film the rules are always broken.

The power of time travel corrupts its participants with paranoia hidden agendas, unforeseen doppelgangers, occasionally falling in a fucked up comatosed state, back up plans, back up thwarting back up plans & back up back up thwarting back up, plans all very confusing but you know their gonna make fuck all money from this no one ever does, dildos.

Is it good: Yes, For $7,000 they made a great movie. Won awards & shit (The sundance one), that means fuck all really, but it is a well constructed, even though it is fuck hard to follow. A paranoid thriller caused by a great sci fi theme & a decent ending.

Turdige: The low budget does show, not enough to spoil the movie but if you don't like the bottom end (no special effect kind of Sci Fi) give it a miss, but then your a idiot so who cares. The could be seen as a slightly confusing monotone talky kind of Sci fi.

Overall: The consequences of time travel have been well documented The Terminator, Back to the future I to III, star trek on many occasions especially the new one, and especially Bill & ted have all suffered due to fucking around with time. This is more on the lines of Timecrimes (2007) an equally good fucked up low budged time buggerer.